There were days when it seemed I would never find my way. Sometimes, I seriously felt like giving up and giving in. The academics were impossible, the drama was unbearable, the rent was un-payable, the headaches, the backaches, and the heartaches, inconsolable.
BUT I MADE IT.
I finally finished college, something I only dreamed of doing since three and a half years ago when I started hating waking up to the life before me. But now it's over. There are no more papers lingering over my head. My stress has diminished and my rent is free. The only reminders of the last four years are the student loans and the remnant pains in my back, still sore from the stress I carried between my shoulders.
Denial continues to convince me that at some unexpected moment a test will be assigned. And yet, somewhere in my soul I am realizing the freedom I have. Now, I can re-create my life. I am a whole new 'Mallory,' taking those first precious steps towards a real opportunity. I finally have control back of who I am and what I want to do. It's an unexpressible feeling.
:: Now What? ::
Who knows. But I don't care. Anything ahead is better than what lies behind me.
I have set personal goals to encourage me to be the genuine, honest, wise person that I desire to be. I'm not letting all of those "lessons" of the past four years go to waste! Here are a few, just for taste:
~ Always be currently reading a book. I spent an hour at Barnes and Noble today, and I bought 2 books online tonight. I also sorted through my old books to freshen up on some of my old favorites.
~ Learn other languages. I have a sign language book that will help me continue learning ASL. Then I hope to learn Spanish. I should have done that a long time ago, I'm afraid...
~ Learn to play the piano. I failed miserably in my class this semester, surprisingly receiving a 'B' anyway. I sure fooled my professor!
~ Find a church, get involved. This means finding a young singles Bible study, volunteering at Monday Night Manna [serving the local homeless], and attending regularly! Also, I need to tithe... Yikes.
~ Subscribe to smart magazines. I already bought Psychology Today and have read quite a bit of it. I don't want my major, or my brain, to go to waste.
~ Work out at the gym. Shouldn't we all do this more?
That's my plan and I'm stickin' to it.
:: Fun things ::
Best recent quote: "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet." From the movie, Juno.
Best recent song & lyrics: "Summer Song" by Wavorly
Spread the blanket on top, and I’ll turn off the lights
And we’ll gaze at the stars
With you by my side, the moon set to the right
It’s incomparable so far
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling
Two years ago, I had no idea that you were so perfect
As we wait so long, until we join hands
You make the wait worth it
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling
Now years down the road
Still hasn’t gotten old to sit and laugh the day away
There’s one thing you should know
My love for you grows even more every day
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling in love
And the day that I finally can take you home
There’s no way that I’m ever, ever letting go
We’ll be ok, though miles may separate
There’s no space between our hearts
And this day, I choose to keep loving you
As if it were a choice, I can’t stop falling…
I haven’t stopped falling in love
It's ironic, ya know? Titling this post "Staring New" and then ending with a song which, interpreted personally, has nothing to do with staring over... I'm just not ready yet...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
LoLz and FailDogs
I frequently visit these sites when I am in need of a laugh, and I think you should see them, as well:
The first is a site full of [mostly] cats, with captions, written in LoLz language: which is a kind of funny cat lingo with some[purposeful] misspellings. Here are a few good examples:
The site: http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/8/
(Yes, start on page 8. I did that on purpose).
The second site is similar, except every caption says "Fail" and it's only dogs. You'll see why:
http://faildogs.com/page/2
Enjoy!
The first is a site full of [mostly] cats, with captions, written in LoLz language: which is a kind of funny cat lingo with some[purposeful] misspellings. Here are a few good examples:
The site: http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/8/
(Yes, start on page 8. I did that on purpose).
The second site is similar, except every caption says "Fail" and it's only dogs. You'll see why:
http://faildogs.com/page/2
Enjoy!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Bulleted Thoughts
~ I am graduating in 33 days.
~ I have a lot to accomplish in 33 days.
~ I will be taking senior pictures and sending them out with graduation announcements soon!
~ I like the soundtrack from the movie "Once," despite the fact that I haven't seen the actual film yet.
~ Thank you Cy for taking me as your date this weekend :-D I had a blast!! And Emily, thanks for letting me come visit despite it taking me a few years to actually get there!
~ I finally understand why the last four years have been brutal. I have changed in many ways, but I could have never imagined that, beyond anything else, this would be the path to fixing some bad social habits I had in high school. When I completely formulate this thought, I'll write about it. The problem was that I was hardened clay. If I would have just been soft to my Potter's hands, it would not have been such a painful experience. So I got burned and re-molded. But here I am, and I know I am stronger than the older version of myself.
~ I have decided that I finally understand the W.W.J.D thing. I mean, at a shallow level, I've always "got it," but it hit me hard this month. Who put the idea into my head that it is my job as a Christian to judge others and continually call them out on their faults? Gosh, what an awful concept. Who do I think I am; God? I don't think we are told to be like God... ever. We are directed to act the way Jesus did. He, above anyone else, never judged and pointed fingers at people for their faults. He even said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her [the woman found in adultery]." John 8:7. The only people Jesus judged were those who were pointing fingers at others. SO WHERE DO CHRISTIANS GET OFF THINKING THAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SET OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT?! Do I believe in accountability? Yes. But I am really over this "God calls me to judge you" mentality. Let it go, and let God do the judging. No one ever told you to do that. Spend your eneergy doing somehting useful. So, for myself, I refuse to judge you. I hope that the unconditional love I try to show speaks more volumes to you than a pointed finger.
That's enough for right now.
Do something nice for someone else today. Bye.
~ I have a lot to accomplish in 33 days.
~ I will be taking senior pictures and sending them out with graduation announcements soon!
~ I like the soundtrack from the movie "Once," despite the fact that I haven't seen the actual film yet.
~ Thank you Cy for taking me as your date this weekend :-D I had a blast!! And Emily, thanks for letting me come visit despite it taking me a few years to actually get there!
~ I finally understand why the last four years have been brutal. I have changed in many ways, but I could have never imagined that, beyond anything else, this would be the path to fixing some bad social habits I had in high school. When I completely formulate this thought, I'll write about it. The problem was that I was hardened clay. If I would have just been soft to my Potter's hands, it would not have been such a painful experience. So I got burned and re-molded. But here I am, and I know I am stronger than the older version of myself.
~ I have decided that I finally understand the W.W.J.D thing. I mean, at a shallow level, I've always "got it," but it hit me hard this month. Who put the idea into my head that it is my job as a Christian to judge others and continually call them out on their faults? Gosh, what an awful concept. Who do I think I am; God? I don't think we are told to be like God... ever. We are directed to act the way Jesus did. He, above anyone else, never judged and pointed fingers at people for their faults. He even said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her [the woman found in adultery]." John 8:7. The only people Jesus judged were those who were pointing fingers at others. SO WHERE DO CHRISTIANS GET OFF THINKING THAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SET OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT?! Do I believe in accountability? Yes. But I am really over this "God calls me to judge you" mentality. Let it go, and let God do the judging. No one ever told you to do that. Spend your eneergy doing somehting useful. So, for myself, I refuse to judge you. I hope that the unconditional love I try to show speaks more volumes to you than a pointed finger.
That's enough for right now.
Do something nice for someone else today. Bye.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sad poem. Skip this post.
Yes I wrote this. Yes, some of it rhymes, and no I don't care that some of it doesn't.
Yes, it's sad. I'm sorry so many posts are like this. Just in a really bad spot.
In fact, don't read it.
*Untitled*
The end is almost here
The days are slowly creeping by
Forever I have waited
But for tonight, again I cry
I want to look ahead and
I want to now adjust
But I cannot deny the feeling
Tonight my heart is crushed
This one hurt me
This one lost it
This one doesn’t care
You’re the oil to my water
He’s the reason I don’t share
Myself, in times of sadness
I’m treading water, loosing strength
Loosing faith in you
I fake a smile, fake a laugh
It’s only what I can do
He’s the one I really want,
But never will he notice
I’ll leave in May, move away
And I’ll never know the boldness of what we just might be
Resorting back to one would tear me down to ruin
But maybe it’s the best
Myself I have not proven
Worthy of much else
Than what it was
You ponder me ever?
I’m fonder of you.
My patience is starved
My alley is carved
How much longer will it take
For him to find me
For you to know me
To go back, this life, unmake
Yes, it's sad. I'm sorry so many posts are like this. Just in a really bad spot.
In fact, don't read it.
*Untitled*
The end is almost here
The days are slowly creeping by
Forever I have waited
But for tonight, again I cry
I want to look ahead and
I want to now adjust
But I cannot deny the feeling
Tonight my heart is crushed
This one hurt me
This one lost it
This one doesn’t care
You’re the oil to my water
He’s the reason I don’t share
Myself, in times of sadness
I’m treading water, loosing strength
Loosing faith in you
I fake a smile, fake a laugh
It’s only what I can do
He’s the one I really want,
But never will he notice
I’ll leave in May, move away
And I’ll never know the boldness of what we just might be
Resorting back to one would tear me down to ruin
But maybe it’s the best
Myself I have not proven
Worthy of much else
Than what it was
You ponder me ever?
I’m fonder of you.
My patience is starved
My alley is carved
How much longer will it take
For him to find me
For you to know me
To go back, this life, unmake
Monday, February 4, 2008
Murphy's Law
This past week has been awful.
Murphy's Law: states that things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance.
I AM: MURPHY'S LAW.
Reasons: My computer is beyond fixable and I have to buy a new one. I lost my brand new digital camera after waiting [almost] a year and a half without a camera. My closet door broke off. My car smelled like burning engine belts. I couldn't afford my rent. My piano class has turned out to be impossible. I could go on, but reliving all of this is wearing me out.
HOWEVER:
~ God has been teaching me some solid bits of wisdom.
~ I think that Satan is frightened and has chosen to attack me at my weakest points [and believe me, he knows them.]
~ I am glad to have a computer, a landlord, a car, my rent check, and an education even if it doesn't always go perfectly. Any doubts? Walk through the World Vision "Step Into Africa" tour. It stopped my complaining.
I have a lot of thoughts to write down. Some of that God stuff, and some other stuff. But I slept 2 hours last night = I'll share later.
Good night, friends.
Murphy's Law: states that things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance.
I AM: MURPHY'S LAW.
Reasons: My computer is beyond fixable and I have to buy a new one. I lost my brand new digital camera after waiting [almost] a year and a half without a camera. My closet door broke off. My car smelled like burning engine belts. I couldn't afford my rent. My piano class has turned out to be impossible. I could go on, but reliving all of this is wearing me out.
HOWEVER:
~ God has been teaching me some solid bits of wisdom.
~ I think that Satan is frightened and has chosen to attack me at my weakest points [and believe me, he knows them.]
~ I am glad to have a computer, a landlord, a car, my rent check, and an education even if it doesn't always go perfectly. Any doubts? Walk through the World Vision "Step Into Africa" tour. It stopped my complaining.
I have a lot of thoughts to write down. Some of that God stuff, and some other stuff. But I slept 2 hours last night = I'll share later.
Good night, friends.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A Powerful Video
I hate it when people force religion. I really do. The only reasons I share my faith is when I care deeply about someone, or if something impacts me and I need to share it. Tonight, I don't want to force anything, but read on if you wish.
I saw a video that has brought so much emotion to my heart. Hopefully, it at least makes you think. Don't worry, I know it starts out cheesy, but the end justifies it.
I can relate to this video all too well. I know what I need in life, but I keep getting sidetracked! I'm glad He's on my side, or else I'd be screwed. That's the honest truth.
I saw a video that has brought so much emotion to my heart. Hopefully, it at least makes you think. Don't worry, I know it starts out cheesy, but the end justifies it.
I can relate to this video all too well. I know what I need in life, but I keep getting sidetracked! I'm glad He's on my side, or else I'd be screwed. That's the honest truth.
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Beginning
The semester has started with a rush of energy, and I am trying my best to keep up! There are only 99 days 'til my graduation, and I am beyond enthused. After a long struggle to fill my remaining 16 units, I settled on these classes:
~ Beginning Piano for Non Music Majors
~ Intervent Strategies for Children
~ Youth Ministry: Camping
~ Intro to Business
~ Intro to Leadership
~ Senior Seminar
As you can see, most of my required classes are all finished, so now I am taking lots of Freshman level classes just to get the piece of paper that will change my life. These classes have turned out to have a lot of busy work [I had forgotten after 3 years], but the subject matter is certainly easy. So no worries. AND I have no classes on Fridays. Ahhh, so nice.
I have been in contact with someone about being hired to do floor-time therapy with autistic children. We will most likely be setting up an interview soon! I really hope to get this job!
What will happen May 4th, the day after graduation? I don't really know. I have a couple options and even was offered a summer position in Azusa, but my heart tells me to leave this place and start over. I'm really confused about what to do.
Quick Facts:
I saw Cloverfield, and it was good.
I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti and it was not so good.
It rained and hailed all week, so I have been happy. :-D
I picked my topic for my 25 page senior seminar paper. I am going to talk about birth order and family constellations. I read some interesting things last year while studying Alfred Adler so I am excited to do this paper.
My computer is having a battery charging problem despite the fact that I bought a new $140 battery.
I got a new digital camera for Christmas. It's been one month and I have yet to do a fun photo shoot.
I am going to see Tyrone Wells in concert tonight.
I made a commitment to myself that this semester I would begin to start over. I didn't want to wait 'til May to start feeling better. God agreed, and within the first 2 days of school, He started trying to get my attention. I decided to drive without music for a while, and I really felt connected with Him. There are some new ideas and some new feelings inside of me, and I am glad to say that it's been a great beginning. I am making a mental list of things I want to do after graduation, so one day I will share that with you! It's a work in progress, like myself, but I'm gettin' somewhere.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!
~ Beginning Piano for Non Music Majors
~ Intervent Strategies for Children
~ Youth Ministry: Camping
~ Intro to Business
~ Intro to Leadership
~ Senior Seminar
As you can see, most of my required classes are all finished, so now I am taking lots of Freshman level classes just to get the piece of paper that will change my life. These classes have turned out to have a lot of busy work [I had forgotten after 3 years], but the subject matter is certainly easy. So no worries. AND I have no classes on Fridays. Ahhh, so nice.
I have been in contact with someone about being hired to do floor-time therapy with autistic children. We will most likely be setting up an interview soon! I really hope to get this job!
What will happen May 4th, the day after graduation? I don't really know. I have a couple options and even was offered a summer position in Azusa, but my heart tells me to leave this place and start over. I'm really confused about what to do.
Quick Facts:
I saw Cloverfield, and it was good.
I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti and it was not so good.
It rained and hailed all week, so I have been happy. :-D
I picked my topic for my 25 page senior seminar paper. I am going to talk about birth order and family constellations. I read some interesting things last year while studying Alfred Adler so I am excited to do this paper.
My computer is having a battery charging problem despite the fact that I bought a new $140 battery.
I got a new digital camera for Christmas. It's been one month and I have yet to do a fun photo shoot.
I am going to see Tyrone Wells in concert tonight.
I made a commitment to myself that this semester I would begin to start over. I didn't want to wait 'til May to start feeling better. God agreed, and within the first 2 days of school, He started trying to get my attention. I decided to drive without music for a while, and I really felt connected with Him. There are some new ideas and some new feelings inside of me, and I am glad to say that it's been a great beginning. I am making a mental list of things I want to do after graduation, so one day I will share that with you! It's a work in progress, like myself, but I'm gettin' somewhere.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
2008
Here’s to 2008. I suppose I am looking forward to the coming year, not because of some well-planned resolutions [that I would most likely abandon anyway]. I look forward to it because, well, there is no way it can get any worse than the year we just evaded. Some years are milestones, full of learned lessons and the strengthening of character. Although in some distant moment I may look back at 2007 as that kind of memory, I wish only to erase it completely now.
A year in review, for any who doubt me: I turned 21 and with it came new experiences filled with drama and adventure. Alcohol is marketed on hype alone. I wish it were abandoned for it has only destroyed so many fine evenings. February marks the ending of a long relationship with someone I cared deeply about. That was so hard. I’ll never forget that night. I was in counseling, and soon discovered I had a depression strong enough to demand outside help [on many levels]. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It hurt. I couldn’t escape. Sometimes, I still find myself grasped in it again. The summer was slightly awful. Despite a few trips I took to ease my mind, reality awaited me when I returned. I was betrayed by a good friend. My eyes were opened to many things I wish I had never seen, friends’ true intentions and secrets. Then came Fall and a semester from Hell. Four upper division Psychology classes and a Theology class. I am still recovering even after 2 weeks of rest. Those are the major points. If only I had space to write you what really happened. So many secrets… So much heartbreak this year. But I won’t bore you with the details…
I’d like to lose weight this year, along with every other American. I’d like to graduate and never look back. I’d like to make millions and become a successful… [well, I’d figure that out eventually I ‘spose.] I’d like to find people whom I can trust again. Maybe even find God and a church that won’t inevitably prove my theories about Christianity. To tell the truth, no resolution means as much to me as this one: I’d like to find a true happiness. Yes, that would settle it for me. I hope the same for you, dear reader. May 2008 bring you the happiness you long for. And if not, at least we have our blogs and each other to cope with what lies ahead.
A year in review, for any who doubt me: I turned 21 and with it came new experiences filled with drama and adventure. Alcohol is marketed on hype alone. I wish it were abandoned for it has only destroyed so many fine evenings. February marks the ending of a long relationship with someone I cared deeply about. That was so hard. I’ll never forget that night. I was in counseling, and soon discovered I had a depression strong enough to demand outside help [on many levels]. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It hurt. I couldn’t escape. Sometimes, I still find myself grasped in it again. The summer was slightly awful. Despite a few trips I took to ease my mind, reality awaited me when I returned. I was betrayed by a good friend. My eyes were opened to many things I wish I had never seen, friends’ true intentions and secrets. Then came Fall and a semester from Hell. Four upper division Psychology classes and a Theology class. I am still recovering even after 2 weeks of rest. Those are the major points. If only I had space to write you what really happened. So many secrets… So much heartbreak this year. But I won’t bore you with the details…
I’d like to lose weight this year, along with every other American. I’d like to graduate and never look back. I’d like to make millions and become a successful… [well, I’d figure that out eventually I ‘spose.] I’d like to find people whom I can trust again. Maybe even find God and a church that won’t inevitably prove my theories about Christianity. To tell the truth, no resolution means as much to me as this one: I’d like to find a true happiness. Yes, that would settle it for me. I hope the same for you, dear reader. May 2008 bring you the happiness you long for. And if not, at least we have our blogs and each other to cope with what lies ahead.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Christmas Favorites
'Tis the season, so I thought I'd share some favorites...
My favorite Christmas Movies:
The Muppet Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story
The Grinch (with Jim Carey)
The Santa Clause (with Tim Allen)
Elf
My favorite Christmas Music:
Mariah Carey (Favorite song: All I Want for Christmas is You)
Amy Grant (Favorite songs: Grown-up Christmas List, Breath of Heaven)
Chris Rice: (Favorite song: Welcome to Our World)
Josh Groban (Favorite song: Little Drummer Boy)
Dashboard Confessional (Favorite song: The Only Gift that I Need)
Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting (Favorite song: Baby, It’s Cold Outside)
My favorite Christmas Traditions:
~ My family goes to the Christmas Eve service at church. I wait all year to sing “O, Holy Night,” but especially to see the candlelight slowly spread throughout the room as the grand finale.
~ On Christmas Eve, my mom always makes really good chowder with tomatoes in it.
~ My brother and I buy one gift for each family member, and those gifts are opened on Christmas Eve.
~ Since we never had family close enough to visit on Christmas Day, we would stay in our pajamas all day. Even now, we see how long we can stay in our pajamas.
~ We take as long as we can to open presents; no rushing.
~ Ham and mashed potatoes: Christmas day necessities.
~ Walking down a street where every house is covered in lights. My favorites are the houses with white lights, straight, and neat.
Oh how I love this time of year!
My favorite Christmas Movies:
The Muppet Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story
The Grinch (with Jim Carey)
The Santa Clause (with Tim Allen)
Elf
My favorite Christmas Music:
Mariah Carey (Favorite song: All I Want for Christmas is You)
Amy Grant (Favorite songs: Grown-up Christmas List, Breath of Heaven)
Chris Rice: (Favorite song: Welcome to Our World)
Josh Groban (Favorite song: Little Drummer Boy)
Dashboard Confessional (Favorite song: The Only Gift that I Need)
Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting (Favorite song: Baby, It’s Cold Outside)
My favorite Christmas Traditions:
~ My family goes to the Christmas Eve service at church. I wait all year to sing “O, Holy Night,” but especially to see the candlelight slowly spread throughout the room as the grand finale.
~ On Christmas Eve, my mom always makes really good chowder with tomatoes in it.
~ My brother and I buy one gift for each family member, and those gifts are opened on Christmas Eve.
~ Since we never had family close enough to visit on Christmas Day, we would stay in our pajamas all day. Even now, we see how long we can stay in our pajamas.
~ We take as long as we can to open presents; no rushing.
~ Ham and mashed potatoes: Christmas day necessities.
~ Walking down a street where every house is covered in lights. My favorites are the houses with white lights, straight, and neat.
Oh how I love this time of year!
Monday, December 3, 2007
Christmas 2007
This Christmas is so different from the rest I have seen. First of all, it hasn't really been cold enough to believe it's December. I wish I lived where it snowed. I also wish I was closer to my family in Ohio. I appreciate them now as I am getting older and wish we could celebrate the season together. Someday, when I'm rich, I'll buy tickets to Ohio whenever I want.
Last night I decorated my apartment for the holiday. It was fun and I am sure I woke some neighbors with my hammering (the stockings and lights had to be hung!) It's really festive, even though I'll only enjoy it for the 2 remaining weeks that I'll be in Azusa. My tree is no taller than 4 feet, but it makes my non-home a little more bearable.
I realized something really shocking. This is my first Christmas as a single girl since 8th grade! I always have had a boyfriend around this time of year, but [almost] never during the summer. I won't have to think of a creative/ meaningful gift this year, which is great! But it's slightly lonely. We went to see the lights on Thoroughbred Street in Rancho Cucamonga last night, and I walked with my two friends and their boyfriends. I don't know which was worse: being a fifth wheel or remembering that last year, someone walked that street with me.
And yet, I am content. Christmas reminds me of my memories, my family, and my favorite traditions. So I will finish this semester with Christmas' soon approach in mind.
Last night I decorated my apartment for the holiday. It was fun and I am sure I woke some neighbors with my hammering (the stockings and lights had to be hung!) It's really festive, even though I'll only enjoy it for the 2 remaining weeks that I'll be in Azusa. My tree is no taller than 4 feet, but it makes my non-home a little more bearable.
I realized something really shocking. This is my first Christmas as a single girl since 8th grade! I always have had a boyfriend around this time of year, but [almost] never during the summer. I won't have to think of a creative/ meaningful gift this year, which is great! But it's slightly lonely. We went to see the lights on Thoroughbred Street in Rancho Cucamonga last night, and I walked with my two friends and their boyfriends. I don't know which was worse: being a fifth wheel or remembering that last year, someone walked that street with me.
And yet, I am content. Christmas reminds me of my memories, my family, and my favorite traditions. So I will finish this semester with Christmas' soon approach in mind.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:
Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:
~ Today I was working, writing passes for guests to park on campus. We keep a log of their names and licence plates. So I ask this middle-aged man in a suit, "May I have your name?" And he replies: "Well, I'm sort of using it, but ok." Total straight face. Made my day!
~ I printed 84 pages this week and turned them in to professors. That's a lot.
~ Christmas is by far my favorite time of year and I love the chill in the air! Finally November wasn't all 80 degree weather!
~ I have one more week of class and one week of finals. I think I might make it to the end! I'll let you know if I do...
~ 25 days until Christmas. 155 days until graduation from college.
The best videos of kids.. .EVER. No seriously, you have to watch these!
~ Today I was working, writing passes for guests to park on campus. We keep a log of their names and licence plates. So I ask this middle-aged man in a suit, "May I have your name?" And he replies: "Well, I'm sort of using it, but ok." Total straight face. Made my day!
~ I printed 84 pages this week and turned them in to professors. That's a lot.
~ Christmas is by far my favorite time of year and I love the chill in the air! Finally November wasn't all 80 degree weather!
~ I have one more week of class and one week of finals. I think I might make it to the end! I'll let you know if I do...
~ 25 days until Christmas. 155 days until graduation from college.
The best videos of kids.. .EVER. No seriously, you have to watch these!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Random Thoughts
I have quite a bit running through my head. Despite the fact that I need to be writing 4 research papers and studying for tests, much more is consuming my thoughts. So, here is a random list of thoughts in list form.
~ At APU football games [I sport I do not usually enjoy] the students in the spirit section always cheer this: "Suppress them! Suppress them! Make them relinquish the ball!" Isn't that witty? If you don't understand why that is so clever, then you are the reason we chant it. Our school is so smart, we can't waste our time with cheers that use "childish words."
~ I run in my sleep. I don't walk aimlessly around my apartment, I freakin' run for my life! Something will frighten me mid-dream and so I run from it. Literally. It ends with me standing in my kitchen, curiously wondering why I just acted in such a bizarre manor. Odd, huh?
~ "You know you're a senior when" a one page essay really isn't adequate space to express your thoughts in a paper and you tweak margins and font in order to write just a little bit more...
~ This weekend during my trip home I discussed moving back in with my parents in May after I graduate. The weird part is how wonderful of an idea it is becoming! They have agreed to give me the downstairs bedroom so I have more space and privacy. Awesome.
~ I hate being enrolled in school. I hope I make it the remaining 180 days.
~ My most recently watched film (and I have actually watched quite a few movies lately) is "Martian Child." Seriously, if you see this and don't feel the urge to shed a tear, you are heartless and devil-controlled.
~ Yesterday was 11/04/07, which may mean nothing to you, but being my three most-seen random numbers, I thought for sure something significant were going to happen. Nothing did.
~ Slang you should know: "Hyphe." It means NORCAL CRUNK, hyphe is to northern cali as what crunk is to the south. Hyphe is bringing crunk to a whole new level, just goin all out nastay (Urbandictionary.com). Basically it means going crazy or wild. Use it. It's hot right now.
~ And on a more serious note, my personal theology is confused as of now. Maybe all of those theology classes and chapels have worn me out, but I can barely pray without over-thinking every word I say. "Maybe I can't say that to God, or maybe I am supposed to do this differently." But, luckily God is teaching me something else, which we all know is never easy. It's about the topic of Grace. I am still in process of understanding it, so I'll write more on that later.
~ I have decided that I like consistency. Knowing what will happen and having a daily routine is much easier than constantly needing to adapt to new situations. I am looking forward to working full-time because it's a reliable, daily routine! And I like consistent friends, ones that stick by me despite life changes.
~ That's it. Now that I have emptied my head, I'm going to go start those papers. Maybe...
~ At APU football games [I sport I do not usually enjoy] the students in the spirit section always cheer this: "Suppress them! Suppress them! Make them relinquish the ball!" Isn't that witty? If you don't understand why that is so clever, then you are the reason we chant it. Our school is so smart, we can't waste our time with cheers that use "childish words."
~ I run in my sleep. I don't walk aimlessly around my apartment, I freakin' run for my life! Something will frighten me mid-dream and so I run from it. Literally. It ends with me standing in my kitchen, curiously wondering why I just acted in such a bizarre manor. Odd, huh?
~ "You know you're a senior when" a one page essay really isn't adequate space to express your thoughts in a paper and you tweak margins and font in order to write just a little bit more...
~ This weekend during my trip home I discussed moving back in with my parents in May after I graduate. The weird part is how wonderful of an idea it is becoming! They have agreed to give me the downstairs bedroom so I have more space and privacy. Awesome.
~ I hate being enrolled in school. I hope I make it the remaining 180 days.
~ My most recently watched film (and I have actually watched quite a few movies lately) is "Martian Child." Seriously, if you see this and don't feel the urge to shed a tear, you are heartless and devil-controlled.
~ Yesterday was 11/04/07, which may mean nothing to you, but being my three most-seen random numbers, I thought for sure something significant were going to happen. Nothing did.
~ Slang you should know: "Hyphe." It means NORCAL CRUNK, hyphe is to northern cali as what crunk is to the south. Hyphe is bringing crunk to a whole new level, just goin all out nastay (Urbandictionary.com). Basically it means going crazy or wild. Use it. It's hot right now.
~ And on a more serious note, my personal theology is confused as of now. Maybe all of those theology classes and chapels have worn me out, but I can barely pray without over-thinking every word I say. "Maybe I can't say that to God, or maybe I am supposed to do this differently." But, luckily God is teaching me something else, which we all know is never easy. It's about the topic of Grace. I am still in process of understanding it, so I'll write more on that later.
~ I have decided that I like consistency. Knowing what will happen and having a daily routine is much easier than constantly needing to adapt to new situations. I am looking forward to working full-time because it's a reliable, daily routine! And I like consistent friends, ones that stick by me despite life changes.
~ That's it. Now that I have emptied my head, I'm going to go start those papers. Maybe...
Sunday, October 21, 2007
4-Year Testimony
I want these posts to be:
honest but inspiring,
real but impressive,
complete but hand picked.
Yet I can't always do that. I get upset just like the next guy, and for me, I seem to be that way more often than not. I don't know what I am missing...
So today, here it is, raw, uncut, uncensored. My 4-year testimony. Read at your own risk!
Never in my life have I endured such a terrible span of time as I have since I began college. That sentence doesn't put it into complete perspective. Here: After all of the times we moved when I was younger, when I lost friends and watched our family struggle through financial problems, when I thought that the drama in high school was the worst it could be, I had no idea that someday I would long for those moments compared to now. That's somewhat better.
I've had a run of bad luck, to say the least. I moved to APU in the Fall filled with hopes and expectations. By October, I was already sitting in the laundry room late at night crying because of my loneliness. But I came to APU with the hopes of community and decided to stick it out. I had never felt so isolated in my life. I lived on a dorm hall with an RA who was more interested in her boyfriend than her residents, most of the girls were partiers and straight up mean, I lived with my dear high school friend, but our differences drew us apart. I had a boyfriend who wasn't satisfied until I talked to him for 4 hours a night instead of putting it towards my homework and social life. We were usually fighting. I joined a D-Group in hopes of finding God, and instead I found a leader who detailed, not the Bible, but her sex expeditions from the week. I was sleep-deprived and I lost 20 pounds, by accident. So a year went by, and I only could claim one wonderful friend out of 4,000. Kelly and I were inseperable, or so I thought. She hated APU as much as I did and told me that she wasn't returning in the Fall. So within a month I lost my best friend, my roommate, and my boyfriend. Time to start over. Again.
Sophomore year wasn't much better. The best part was having a roommate elope in Vegas and get pregnant soon after. At least I got my own room out of it! And the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend was a welcome adventure, despite the fact that no one approved of me the whole time I was dating him, which was about 18 months. But I was still lonely, still wanting to connect. Out of all of these people, shouldn't I find someone who understood me? Apparently that was too much to ask. My boyfriend and I broke up; we fought a lot, too. I got new roommates, again. My ultimate best friend moved to the other side of the country, got married, and got pregnant. I just kept losing people! I prayed daily, "God, please send me one person!" Maybe He will get back to me eventually...
Last year I started counseling. I was diagnosed with depression. I found a friend who was crazy, but I clung to her in the hopes that she was the answer to my prayers. She wasn't. She stabbed me in the back, and continues to do so. I go out on the weekends and every guy I meet wants to be my best friend until he finds out I won't end up in a lip-lock with him by the end of the night. The girls are regressing back to middle school drama and attitudes. And I am left shocked and bewildered by what I have witnessed. No one cares here, no one listens. I hated my high school as an "institution" but loved the people, and now I hate my college because of the people but love the "institution." I wish I could go back to high school. But I can't.
What should I do?
Praise God I am almost out of here. In May, I will be graduating. The future is unknown, but I am certain that I will not stay here. Please, God, let this be a phase and let it be almost over. I can't endure it much longer!
As always, thanks for reading...
honest but inspiring,
real but impressive,
complete but hand picked.
Yet I can't always do that. I get upset just like the next guy, and for me, I seem to be that way more often than not. I don't know what I am missing...
So today, here it is, raw, uncut, uncensored. My 4-year testimony. Read at your own risk!
Never in my life have I endured such a terrible span of time as I have since I began college. That sentence doesn't put it into complete perspective. Here: After all of the times we moved when I was younger, when I lost friends and watched our family struggle through financial problems, when I thought that the drama in high school was the worst it could be, I had no idea that someday I would long for those moments compared to now. That's somewhat better.
I've had a run of bad luck, to say the least. I moved to APU in the Fall filled with hopes and expectations. By October, I was already sitting in the laundry room late at night crying because of my loneliness. But I came to APU with the hopes of community and decided to stick it out. I had never felt so isolated in my life. I lived on a dorm hall with an RA who was more interested in her boyfriend than her residents, most of the girls were partiers and straight up mean, I lived with my dear high school friend, but our differences drew us apart. I had a boyfriend who wasn't satisfied until I talked to him for 4 hours a night instead of putting it towards my homework and social life. We were usually fighting. I joined a D-Group in hopes of finding God, and instead I found a leader who detailed, not the Bible, but her sex expeditions from the week. I was sleep-deprived and I lost 20 pounds, by accident. So a year went by, and I only could claim one wonderful friend out of 4,000. Kelly and I were inseperable, or so I thought. She hated APU as much as I did and told me that she wasn't returning in the Fall. So within a month I lost my best friend, my roommate, and my boyfriend. Time to start over. Again.
Sophomore year wasn't much better. The best part was having a roommate elope in Vegas and get pregnant soon after. At least I got my own room out of it! And the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend was a welcome adventure, despite the fact that no one approved of me the whole time I was dating him, which was about 18 months. But I was still lonely, still wanting to connect. Out of all of these people, shouldn't I find someone who understood me? Apparently that was too much to ask. My boyfriend and I broke up; we fought a lot, too. I got new roommates, again. My ultimate best friend moved to the other side of the country, got married, and got pregnant. I just kept losing people! I prayed daily, "God, please send me one person!" Maybe He will get back to me eventually...
Last year I started counseling. I was diagnosed with depression. I found a friend who was crazy, but I clung to her in the hopes that she was the answer to my prayers. She wasn't. She stabbed me in the back, and continues to do so. I go out on the weekends and every guy I meet wants to be my best friend until he finds out I won't end up in a lip-lock with him by the end of the night. The girls are regressing back to middle school drama and attitudes. And I am left shocked and bewildered by what I have witnessed. No one cares here, no one listens. I hated my high school as an "institution" but loved the people, and now I hate my college because of the people but love the "institution." I wish I could go back to high school. But I can't.
What should I do?
Praise God I am almost out of here. In May, I will be graduating. The future is unknown, but I am certain that I will not stay here. Please, God, let this be a phase and let it be almost over. I can't endure it much longer!
As always, thanks for reading...
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Reality TV
I love drama. Wait... let me re-phrase. I love watching drama happen when I am in no way involved or obligated to interfere. That's more like it. Most recently I have been watching "The Hills" on MTV, Monday nights at 10pm. I might possibly be drawn to it because my life so closely parallels Lauren and the crew, or maybe the Psych major in me loves analyzing all the crazy people that the network most certainly cuts and edits into facinating characters. Either way, the drama is epidemically overtaking my interests. I love it. I live for Monday nights.
A few episodes ago Lauren and Lo were discussing Audrina's "bounce back" relationship with Justin Bobby. [Bear with me, this has a point.] Lo is skeptical that Justin Bobby has actually changed, and the conversation goes like this:
"Lo: Do you think people can really change though?
Lauren: I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.
Lo: But why do you have to have a guy that you have to change? Don't you want to meet somebody that's good already?
Lauren: That's too easy :-)"
What a profound moment coming from two fashionistas from yuppy Laguna Beach! But it hit me. I'm that girl. Every guy I date needs me for some reason. They lack in some area that I feel I can save them from. Why? I have come to the conclusion that it's not because I am some fantastic, giving, selfless being. I wish I could claim that. I think the real reason this happens is because I want to deserve someone. I want people to look at our relationship and say, "Wow, he is lucky to have you!" The other side is dreadful because I would constantly feel unworthy of his love.
There's more. And this is the good part: I will recognize my future love because he won't need me and I won't need him. We will be mutually and equally independent with the same expectations about a marriage. Of course we will rely on each other and ask for help the way that a couple should! But we won't crash in the absence of the other. Make sense?
I am reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and it has really been a great read. There is a chapter on grace that made me realize that I do this very battle with God. I guess I want to deserve God. I want to be worthy of Him and gain my salvation on my own! See, I'm good at that! I am good at working towards a goal and accepting an award! But free gifts, grace, all of that I have trouble being ok with. In the same respect that my future love won't need me, God doesn't need me, but He wants me and desires my company. That's difficult to wrap my head around, but I am getting there. I am getting there.
Who says you can't gain anything from reality TV?
A few episodes ago Lauren and Lo were discussing Audrina's "bounce back" relationship with Justin Bobby. [Bear with me, this has a point.] Lo is skeptical that Justin Bobby has actually changed, and the conversation goes like this:
"Lo: Do you think people can really change though?
Lauren: I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.
Lo: But why do you have to have a guy that you have to change? Don't you want to meet somebody that's good already?
Lauren: That's too easy :-)"
What a profound moment coming from two fashionistas from yuppy Laguna Beach! But it hit me. I'm that girl. Every guy I date needs me for some reason. They lack in some area that I feel I can save them from. Why? I have come to the conclusion that it's not because I am some fantastic, giving, selfless being. I wish I could claim that. I think the real reason this happens is because I want to deserve someone. I want people to look at our relationship and say, "Wow, he is lucky to have you!" The other side is dreadful because I would constantly feel unworthy of his love.
There's more. And this is the good part: I will recognize my future love because he won't need me and I won't need him. We will be mutually and equally independent with the same expectations about a marriage. Of course we will rely on each other and ask for help the way that a couple should! But we won't crash in the absence of the other. Make sense?
I am reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and it has really been a great read. There is a chapter on grace that made me realize that I do this very battle with God. I guess I want to deserve God. I want to be worthy of Him and gain my salvation on my own! See, I'm good at that! I am good at working towards a goal and accepting an award! But free gifts, grace, all of that I have trouble being ok with. In the same respect that my future love won't need me, God doesn't need me, but He wants me and desires my company. That's difficult to wrap my head around, but I am getting there. I am getting there.
Who says you can't gain anything from reality TV?
Monday, August 27, 2007
A story of my own...
She glides her hands over the keyboard, praying for inspiration. If only she could write one word, one gripping account, maybe people would understand her. Her hand reaches into the box of crackers, knowing that she will regret this decision like so many others. 5’7 and weighing 140 pounds is fat. She’s been fat for so long, and workouts paralleled with calorie counting didn’t help. She’s stress eating again. The last few weeks have taken a turn backwards. She was doing so well… Life was putting itself back in order and now it’s as if all those weeks in counseling and the medication were in vain. She has failed again.
She makes a list of people in her head to blame. If only her roommate would do her own dishes, if only her best friend hadn’t moved to the other side of the country, if only God lived up to all those promises, maybe her life wouldn’t be so close to ruin. It made the most sense to blame God. Since day one, she grew up poor and never satisfied. Her needs were barely met, and even today, 21.5 years later, her needs still aren’t met. God promises to reward those who are faithful to Him, but she is learning otherwise. Her parents have been involved in ministry for 30 years, and even last night they could not buy a meal to share. She vows to never live like that. And she vows to never put her trust in a God that has pushed her own family through hell for so much time.
Her mind remembers the empty bottle of toothpaste. All she needs is three dollars, but it doesn’t exist. Just once, it would be nice to buy the necessities and not over-draw her account. Her friends are going out tonight, and she will have to ask her friend to loan her the cash. She just doesn’t have four bucks in her pocket, or anywhere. It’s humiliating, and she’s tired of it.
When she graduated high school, she had great anticipation for what college would bring: a good education, fun weekends, a better understanding of God, and most of all, deep relationships with fellow students. Now as she enters her last year, she cries over the fact that none of this has happened. Is one good friend really too much to ask for? Now she is thousands of dollars in debt for a four-year journey through hell. It has not been a choice safari to say the least.
And she is losing her best friend. This has happened quite a few times in her lifetime. Her family moved a lot because, well, ministry tears apart families and friendships. Her heart has been strewn over so many conversations because one person has never stayed around long enough to really know her. And now he’s leaving. It’s almost funny how expected this is. He’s the only one who really knows her these days. There are no secrets between them. Sure, she hates him sometimes for his lack of attention abilities and his communication issues, but she loves him, even after all this time. But he will be gone soon, and she will be back to nothing, no one.
A psychology major herself, she snickers as new psychoses are revealed in the corners of her mind. Glancing around the room, nothing out of place to the regular eye, she notices a paper crooked on the desk. Obsessive-compulsive already. Her great-grandmother suffered under this disease, and now it seems it has entered her generation. Depression tested positive in counseling this last semester. And the night terrors, the screaming, the hallucinations, the apnea, oh those just add to the misery of hating being awake but dreading the nighttime.
This girl sits with the door closed because she is keeping people out, although all that she really wants is some good company. The silence threatens to burst her eardrum. The clock is a constant reminder of her inability to sleep and that he still didn’t call tonight.
It’s difficult to stay positive now, even though that used to be one of her gifts. But who can blame her? Her friend stabbed her heartlessly in the back this weekend and is now blaming her, the innocent one, for the fact that their friendship is dying. Just one person would make all the difference, but she’s alone, again, with no one who cares enough to listen. Even he wouldn’t take the time to listen.
Her thoughts drift again to the horrifying temptation within her. She would never do it, ever, and it scares her to even write it. Suicide is a cop out, but it sure looks more glorious now than it ever has before. She wishes she were dead, just not at her own hand.
She can’t fall asleep. Two weeks at home, and with the exception of backaches in the morning, her sleep was consistently normal. Now, the first night back to reality, she lays in bed awake. So many thoughts rush through her head, some repeatedly because she can’t solve them in this quiet noise. The music in the background does nothing to console her because she’s alone again anyway. It’s always like that here.
He let her down again. Even last night he said, "I want you to trust me," but he makes it impossible. Little promises that he doesn’t follow through with are the ones that break her heart the most. It isn’t that hard to remember to call her back! But to him, sleep, the other phone call, the television, it was all more important than keeping his word. That’s what caused them to end it six months ago but she is still holding out for change. But he won’t; she knows that people can’t change. 1am and she still waits for her phone to ring, but it won’t.
Back to reality, back to class. She will work 24 hours in the next two days. The hours continue to tick by as the night seeps through her curtains. Please God, just a few hours of peace. But He doesn’t listen either; He hasn’t for some time now. What is she holding on to? What is still pushing her to wake up in the mornings, sleep deprived and emotionally drawn?
So she lays in bed, asking herself that very thing. And the hours tick by, and the music plays in the background, and she waits, for sleep, for the phone to ring, for really anything at all other than this.
She makes a list of people in her head to blame. If only her roommate would do her own dishes, if only her best friend hadn’t moved to the other side of the country, if only God lived up to all those promises, maybe her life wouldn’t be so close to ruin. It made the most sense to blame God. Since day one, she grew up poor and never satisfied. Her needs were barely met, and even today, 21.5 years later, her needs still aren’t met. God promises to reward those who are faithful to Him, but she is learning otherwise. Her parents have been involved in ministry for 30 years, and even last night they could not buy a meal to share. She vows to never live like that. And she vows to never put her trust in a God that has pushed her own family through hell for so much time.
Her mind remembers the empty bottle of toothpaste. All she needs is three dollars, but it doesn’t exist. Just once, it would be nice to buy the necessities and not over-draw her account. Her friends are going out tonight, and she will have to ask her friend to loan her the cash. She just doesn’t have four bucks in her pocket, or anywhere. It’s humiliating, and she’s tired of it.
When she graduated high school, she had great anticipation for what college would bring: a good education, fun weekends, a better understanding of God, and most of all, deep relationships with fellow students. Now as she enters her last year, she cries over the fact that none of this has happened. Is one good friend really too much to ask for? Now she is thousands of dollars in debt for a four-year journey through hell. It has not been a choice safari to say the least.
And she is losing her best friend. This has happened quite a few times in her lifetime. Her family moved a lot because, well, ministry tears apart families and friendships. Her heart has been strewn over so many conversations because one person has never stayed around long enough to really know her. And now he’s leaving. It’s almost funny how expected this is. He’s the only one who really knows her these days. There are no secrets between them. Sure, she hates him sometimes for his lack of attention abilities and his communication issues, but she loves him, even after all this time. But he will be gone soon, and she will be back to nothing, no one.
A psychology major herself, she snickers as new psychoses are revealed in the corners of her mind. Glancing around the room, nothing out of place to the regular eye, she notices a paper crooked on the desk. Obsessive-compulsive already. Her great-grandmother suffered under this disease, and now it seems it has entered her generation. Depression tested positive in counseling this last semester. And the night terrors, the screaming, the hallucinations, the apnea, oh those just add to the misery of hating being awake but dreading the nighttime.
This girl sits with the door closed because she is keeping people out, although all that she really wants is some good company. The silence threatens to burst her eardrum. The clock is a constant reminder of her inability to sleep and that he still didn’t call tonight.
It’s difficult to stay positive now, even though that used to be one of her gifts. But who can blame her? Her friend stabbed her heartlessly in the back this weekend and is now blaming her, the innocent one, for the fact that their friendship is dying. Just one person would make all the difference, but she’s alone, again, with no one who cares enough to listen. Even he wouldn’t take the time to listen.
Her thoughts drift again to the horrifying temptation within her. She would never do it, ever, and it scares her to even write it. Suicide is a cop out, but it sure looks more glorious now than it ever has before. She wishes she were dead, just not at her own hand.
She can’t fall asleep. Two weeks at home, and with the exception of backaches in the morning, her sleep was consistently normal. Now, the first night back to reality, she lays in bed awake. So many thoughts rush through her head, some repeatedly because she can’t solve them in this quiet noise. The music in the background does nothing to console her because she’s alone again anyway. It’s always like that here.
He let her down again. Even last night he said, "I want you to trust me," but he makes it impossible. Little promises that he doesn’t follow through with are the ones that break her heart the most. It isn’t that hard to remember to call her back! But to him, sleep, the other phone call, the television, it was all more important than keeping his word. That’s what caused them to end it six months ago but she is still holding out for change. But he won’t; she knows that people can’t change. 1am and she still waits for her phone to ring, but it won’t.
Back to reality, back to class. She will work 24 hours in the next two days. The hours continue to tick by as the night seeps through her curtains. Please God, just a few hours of peace. But He doesn’t listen either; He hasn’t for some time now. What is she holding on to? What is still pushing her to wake up in the mornings, sleep deprived and emotionally drawn?
So she lays in bed, asking herself that very thing. And the hours tick by, and the music plays in the background, and she waits, for sleep, for the phone to ring, for really anything at all other than this.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Dodgers Revelation
Tonight, I went to a baseball game with my dad, and Blue lost, but it was a great game anyway! I think there were 22 runs total during the game, meaning hardly any dull moments. But I decided a few things:
~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.
~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.
~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.
~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.
I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.
Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!
Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!
Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!
~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.
~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.
~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.
~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.
I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.
Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!
Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!
Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Baseball
This is my metaphor for life this week:
Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.
So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.
I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.
Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]
Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad
Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.
So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.
I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.
Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]
Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
2 am
It’s 2 am, my room is dark, and I’m alone. Tonight I hold onto the tears, refusing to let them fall. My eyes burn and my heart over takes my lungs, compressing them so I can’t catch my breath. No one understands, and I can rely on only my pillow to support me. The ones who say they love me are the ones who are making me crumble inside. So, I call no one. I reach out to Him, but He doesn’t answer. Sleep, an unknown entity these days, is what I need most, but even it denies me any solace. Here I will lay, a few more hours. My dreams will come as nightmares, my room a cave of emptiness. Maybe tomorrow will be better…
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I've learned. And now I'm happy.
The truth is, I am happy, or at least content. It seems I haven’t felt that for so long. Just happiness; it’s such a common idea, and yet so often difficult to attain. This year has been a rough one and I sure battled my demons, so to speak. Now, I have emerged from that tunnel and I am glad to say that, well, I’m stronger. I get it now. Life isn’t what I expected. College sure wasn’t either, but hey, one more year and that chapter will be over, too. Just like high school. I hated high school when I was in it, and now all I do is wish for those years. The people I knew then are the people I still feel the closest to today. A simple text from Cy, a laugh from Justin, a postcard from Emily; those things mean the most. Making Matt laugh with my voicemail, having Kevin to hang with, getting chased by Campus Safety with Nolan, those are the times that I cherish even now, three years after graduation. I wish I wouldn’t have taken it for granted. Most of those people don’t even read this, but thank you to them all anyway. I’m sorry that I wasn’t always the greatest friend. I’m different now, we all are, but maybe we can still regain lost time, or at least not take the current time for granted.
I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.
Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.
I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.
Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Time, or lack of time
Time. There is never enough of it when you need it, and always too much of it when what you’re doing is not fun. Lucky for me, my busy schedule is saturated with amusing activities. Well, almost all of it. My week previous and in advance is as follows:
Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.
Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.
Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!
Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.
Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.
Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.
Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.
Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.
Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!
I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.
Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.
Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.
Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!
Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.
Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.
Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.
Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.
Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.
Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!
I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.
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