Reality TV

I love drama. Wait... let me re-phrase. I love watching drama happen when I am in no way involved or obligated to interfere. That's more like it. Most recently I have been watching "The Hills" on MTV, Monday nights at 10pm. I might possibly be drawn to it because my life so closely parallels Lauren and the crew, or maybe the Psych major in me loves analyzing all the crazy people that the network most certainly cuts and edits into facinating characters. Either way, the drama is epidemically overtaking my interests. I love it. I live for Monday nights.

A few episodes ago Lauren and Lo were discussing Audrina's "bounce back" relationship with Justin Bobby. [Bear with me, this has a point.] Lo is skeptical that Justin Bobby has actually changed, and the conversation goes like this:


"Lo: Do you think people can really change though?

Lauren: I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.

Lo: But why do you have to have a guy that you have to change? Don't you want to meet somebody that's good already?

Lauren: That's too easy :-)"


What a profound moment coming from two fashionistas from yuppy Laguna Beach! But it hit me. I'm that girl. Every guy I date needs me for some reason. They lack in some area that I feel I can save them from. Why? I have come to the conclusion that it's not because I am some fantastic, giving, selfless being. I wish I could claim that. I think the real reason this happens is because I want to deserve someone. I want people to look at our relationship and say, "Wow, he is lucky to have you!" The other side is dreadful because I would constantly feel unworthy of his love.

There's more. And this is the good part: I will recognize my future love because he won't need me and I won't need him. We will be mutually and equally independent with the same expectations about a marriage. Of course we will rely on each other and ask for help the way that a couple should! But we won't crash in the absence of the other. Make sense?

I am reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and it has really been a great read. There is a chapter on grace that made me realize that I do this very battle with God. I guess I want to deserve God. I want to be worthy of Him and gain my salvation on my own! See, I'm good at that! I am good at working towards a goal and accepting an award! But free gifts, grace, all of that I have trouble being ok with. In the same respect that my future love won't need me, God doesn't need me, but He wants me and desires my company. That's difficult to wrap my head around, but I am getting there. I am getting there.

Who says you can't gain anything from reality TV?