Christmas Favorites

'Tis the season, so I thought I'd share some favorites...

My favorite Christmas Movies:
The Muppet Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story
The Grinch (with Jim Carey)
The Santa Clause (with Tim Allen)
Elf


My favorite Christmas Music:
Mariah Carey (Favorite song: All I Want for Christmas is You)
Amy Grant (Favorite songs: Grown-up Christmas List, Breath of Heaven)
Chris Rice: (Favorite song: Welcome to Our World)
Josh Groban (Favorite song: Little Drummer Boy)
Dashboard Confessional (Favorite song: The Only Gift that I Need)
Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting (Favorite song: Baby, It’s Cold Outside)


My favorite Christmas Traditions:
~ My family goes to the Christmas Eve service at church. I wait all year to sing “O, Holy Night,” but especially to see the candlelight slowly spread throughout the room as the grand finale.
~ On Christmas Eve, my mom always makes really good chowder with tomatoes in it.
~ My brother and I buy one gift for each family member, and those gifts are opened on Christmas Eve.
~ Since we never had family close enough to visit on Christmas Day, we would stay in our pajamas all day. Even now, we see how long we can stay in our pajamas.
~ We take as long as we can to open presents; no rushing.
~ Ham and mashed potatoes: Christmas day necessities.
~ Walking down a street where every house is covered in lights. My favorites are the houses with white lights, straight, and neat.


Oh how I love this time of year!

Christmas 2007

This Christmas is so different from the rest I have seen. First of all, it hasn't really been cold enough to believe it's December. I wish I lived where it snowed. I also wish I was closer to my family in Ohio. I appreciate them now as I am getting older and wish we could celebrate the season together. Someday, when I'm rich, I'll buy tickets to Ohio whenever I want.
Last night I decorated my apartment for the holiday. It was fun and I am sure I woke some neighbors with my hammering (the stockings and lights had to be hung!) It's really festive, even though I'll only enjoy it for the 2 remaining weeks that I'll be in Azusa. My tree is no taller than 4 feet, but it makes my non-home a little more bearable.
I realized something really shocking. This is my first Christmas as a single girl since 8th grade! I always have had a boyfriend around this time of year, but [almost] never during the summer. I won't have to think of a creative/ meaningful gift this year, which is great! But it's slightly lonely. We went to see the lights on Thoroughbred Street in Rancho Cucamonga last night, and I walked with my two friends and their boyfriends. I don't know which was worse: being a fifth wheel or remembering that last year, someone walked that street with me.
And yet, I am content. Christmas reminds me of my memories, my family, and my favorite traditions. So I will finish this semester with Christmas' soon approach in mind.

Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:

Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:

~ Today I was working, writing passes for guests to park on campus. We keep a log of their names and licence plates. So I ask this middle-aged man in a suit, "May I have your name?" And he replies: "Well, I'm sort of using it, but ok." Total straight face. Made my day!

~ I printed 84 pages this week and turned them in to professors. That's a lot.

~ Christmas is by far my favorite time of year and I love the chill in the air! Finally November wasn't all 80 degree weather!

~ I have one more week of class and one week of finals. I think I might make it to the end! I'll let you know if I do...

~ 25 days until Christmas. 155 days until graduation from college.

The best videos of kids.. .EVER. No seriously, you have to watch these!

Random Thoughts

I have quite a bit running through my head. Despite the fact that I need to be writing 4 research papers and studying for tests, much more is consuming my thoughts. So, here is a random list of thoughts in list form.

~ At APU football games [I sport I do not usually enjoy] the students in the spirit section always cheer this: "Suppress them! Suppress them! Make them relinquish the ball!" Isn't that witty? If you don't understand why that is so clever, then you are the reason we chant it. Our school is so smart, we can't waste our time with cheers that use "childish words."

~ I run in my sleep. I don't walk aimlessly around my apartment, I freakin' run for my life! Something will frighten me mid-dream and so I run from it. Literally. It ends with me standing in my kitchen, curiously wondering why I just acted in such a bizarre manor. Odd, huh?

~ "You know you're a senior when" a one page essay really isn't adequate space to express your thoughts in a paper and you tweak margins and font in order to write just a little bit more...

~ This weekend during my trip home I discussed moving back in with my parents in May after I graduate. The weird part is how wonderful of an idea it is becoming! They have agreed to give me the downstairs bedroom so I have more space and privacy. Awesome.

~ I hate being enrolled in school. I hope I make it the remaining 180 days.

~ My most recently watched film (and I have actually watched quite a few movies lately) is "Martian Child." Seriously, if you see this and don't feel the urge to shed a tear, you are heartless and devil-controlled.

~ Yesterday was 11/04/07, which may mean nothing to you, but being my three most-seen random numbers, I thought for sure something significant were going to happen. Nothing did.

~ Slang you should know: "Hyphe." It means NORCAL CRUNK, hyphe is to northern cali as what crunk is to the south. Hyphe is bringing crunk to a whole new level, just goin all out nastay (Urbandictionary.com). Basically it means going crazy or wild. Use it. It's hot right now.

~ And on a more serious note, my personal theology is confused as of now. Maybe all of those theology classes and chapels have worn me out, but I can barely pray without over-thinking every word I say. "Maybe I can't say that to God, or maybe I am supposed to do this differently." But, luckily God is teaching me something else, which we all know is never easy. It's about the topic of Grace. I am still in process of understanding it, so I'll write more on that later.

~ I have decided that I like consistency. Knowing what will happen and having a daily routine is much easier than constantly needing to adapt to new situations. I am looking forward to working full-time because it's a reliable, daily routine! And I like consistent friends, ones that stick by me despite life changes.

~ That's it. Now that I have emptied my head, I'm going to go start those papers. Maybe...

4-Year Testimony

I want these posts to be:
honest but inspiring,
real but impressive,
complete but hand picked.

Yet I can't always do that. I get upset just like the next guy, and for me, I seem to be that way more often than not. I don't know what I am missing...

So today, here it is, raw, uncut, uncensored. My 4-year testimony. Read at your own risk!

Never in my life have I endured such a terrible span of time as I have since I began college. That sentence doesn't put it into complete perspective. Here: After all of the times we moved when I was younger, when I lost friends and watched our family struggle through financial problems, when I thought that the drama in high school was the worst it could be, I had no idea that someday I would long for those moments compared to now. That's somewhat better.

I've had a run of bad luck, to say the least. I moved to APU in the Fall filled with hopes and expectations. By October, I was already sitting in the laundry room late at night crying because of my loneliness. But I came to APU with the hopes of community and decided to stick it out. I had never felt so isolated in my life. I lived on a dorm hall with an RA who was more interested in her boyfriend than her residents, most of the girls were partiers and straight up mean, I lived with my dear high school friend, but our differences drew us apart. I had a boyfriend who wasn't satisfied until I talked to him for 4 hours a night instead of putting it towards my homework and social life. We were usually fighting. I joined a D-Group in hopes of finding God, and instead I found a leader who detailed, not the Bible, but her sex expeditions from the week. I was sleep-deprived and I lost 20 pounds, by accident. So a year went by, and I only could claim one wonderful friend out of 4,000. Kelly and I were inseperable, or so I thought. She hated APU as much as I did and told me that she wasn't returning in the Fall. So within a month I lost my best friend, my roommate, and my boyfriend. Time to start over. Again.
Sophomore year wasn't much better. The best part was having a roommate elope in Vegas and get pregnant soon after. At least I got my own room out of it! And the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend was a welcome adventure, despite the fact that no one approved of me the whole time I was dating him, which was about 18 months. But I was still lonely, still wanting to connect. Out of all of these people, shouldn't I find someone who understood me? Apparently that was too much to ask. My boyfriend and I broke up; we fought a lot, too. I got new roommates, again. My ultimate best friend moved to the other side of the country, got married, and got pregnant. I just kept losing people! I prayed daily, "God, please send me one person!" Maybe He will get back to me eventually...
Last year I started counseling. I was diagnosed with depression. I found a friend who was crazy, but I clung to her in the hopes that she was the answer to my prayers. She wasn't. She stabbed me in the back, and continues to do so. I go out on the weekends and every guy I meet wants to be my best friend until he finds out I won't end up in a lip-lock with him by the end of the night. The girls are regressing back to middle school drama and attitudes. And I am left shocked and bewildered by what I have witnessed. No one cares here, no one listens. I hated my high school as an "institution" but loved the people, and now I hate my college because of the people but love the "institution." I wish I could go back to high school. But I can't.

What should I do?

Praise God I am almost out of here. In May, I will be graduating. The future is unknown, but I am certain that I will not stay here. Please, God, let this be a phase and let it be almost over. I can't endure it much longer!

As always, thanks for reading...

Reality TV

I love drama. Wait... let me re-phrase. I love watching drama happen when I am in no way involved or obligated to interfere. That's more like it. Most recently I have been watching "The Hills" on MTV, Monday nights at 10pm. I might possibly be drawn to it because my life so closely parallels Lauren and the crew, or maybe the Psych major in me loves analyzing all the crazy people that the network most certainly cuts and edits into facinating characters. Either way, the drama is epidemically overtaking my interests. I love it. I live for Monday nights.

A few episodes ago Lauren and Lo were discussing Audrina's "bounce back" relationship with Justin Bobby. [Bear with me, this has a point.] Lo is skeptical that Justin Bobby has actually changed, and the conversation goes like this:


"Lo: Do you think people can really change though?

Lauren: I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.

Lo: But why do you have to have a guy that you have to change? Don't you want to meet somebody that's good already?

Lauren: That's too easy :-)"


What a profound moment coming from two fashionistas from yuppy Laguna Beach! But it hit me. I'm that girl. Every guy I date needs me for some reason. They lack in some area that I feel I can save them from. Why? I have come to the conclusion that it's not because I am some fantastic, giving, selfless being. I wish I could claim that. I think the real reason this happens is because I want to deserve someone. I want people to look at our relationship and say, "Wow, he is lucky to have you!" The other side is dreadful because I would constantly feel unworthy of his love.

There's more. And this is the good part: I will recognize my future love because he won't need me and I won't need him. We will be mutually and equally independent with the same expectations about a marriage. Of course we will rely on each other and ask for help the way that a couple should! But we won't crash in the absence of the other. Make sense?

I am reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and it has really been a great read. There is a chapter on grace that made me realize that I do this very battle with God. I guess I want to deserve God. I want to be worthy of Him and gain my salvation on my own! See, I'm good at that! I am good at working towards a goal and accepting an award! But free gifts, grace, all of that I have trouble being ok with. In the same respect that my future love won't need me, God doesn't need me, but He wants me and desires my company. That's difficult to wrap my head around, but I am getting there. I am getting there.

Who says you can't gain anything from reality TV?

A story of my own...

She glides her hands over the keyboard, praying for inspiration. If only she could write one word, one gripping account, maybe people would understand her. Her hand reaches into the box of crackers, knowing that she will regret this decision like so many others. 5’7 and weighing 140 pounds is fat. She’s been fat for so long, and workouts paralleled with calorie counting didn’t help. She’s stress eating again. The last few weeks have taken a turn backwards. She was doing so well… Life was putting itself back in order and now it’s as if all those weeks in counseling and the medication were in vain. She has failed again.

She makes a list of people in her head to blame. If only her roommate would do her own dishes, if only her best friend hadn’t moved to the other side of the country, if only God lived up to all those promises, maybe her life wouldn’t be so close to ruin. It made the most sense to blame God. Since day one, she grew up poor and never satisfied. Her needs were barely met, and even today, 21.5 years later, her needs still aren’t met. God promises to reward those who are faithful to Him, but she is learning otherwise. Her parents have been involved in ministry for 30 years, and even last night they could not buy a meal to share. She vows to never live like that. And she vows to never put her trust in a God that has pushed her own family through hell for so much time.

Her mind remembers the empty bottle of toothpaste. All she needs is three dollars, but it doesn’t exist. Just once, it would be nice to buy the necessities and not over-draw her account. Her friends are going out tonight, and she will have to ask her friend to loan her the cash. She just doesn’t have four bucks in her pocket, or anywhere. It’s humiliating, and she’s tired of it.

When she graduated high school, she had great anticipation for what college would bring: a good education, fun weekends, a better understanding of God, and most of all, deep relationships with fellow students. Now as she enters her last year, she cries over the fact that none of this has happened. Is one good friend really too much to ask for? Now she is thousands of dollars in debt for a four-year journey through hell. It has not been a choice safari to say the least.

And she is losing her best friend. This has happened quite a few times in her lifetime. Her family moved a lot because, well, ministry tears apart families and friendships. Her heart has been strewn over so many conversations because one person has never stayed around long enough to really know her. And now he’s leaving. It’s almost funny how expected this is. He’s the only one who really knows her these days. There are no secrets between them. Sure, she hates him sometimes for his lack of attention abilities and his communication issues, but she loves him, even after all this time. But he will be gone soon, and she will be back to nothing, no one.

A psychology major herself, she snickers as new psychoses are revealed in the corners of her mind. Glancing around the room, nothing out of place to the regular eye, she notices a paper crooked on the desk. Obsessive-compulsive already. Her great-grandmother suffered under this disease, and now it seems it has entered her generation. Depression tested positive in counseling this last semester. And the night terrors, the screaming, the hallucinations, the apnea, oh those just add to the misery of hating being awake but dreading the nighttime.

This girl sits with the door closed because she is keeping people out, although all that she really wants is some good company. The silence threatens to burst her eardrum. The clock is a constant reminder of her inability to sleep and that he still didn’t call tonight.

It’s difficult to stay positive now, even though that used to be one of her gifts. But who can blame her? Her friend stabbed her heartlessly in the back this weekend and is now blaming her, the innocent one, for the fact that their friendship is dying. Just one person would make all the difference, but she’s alone, again, with no one who cares enough to listen. Even he wouldn’t take the time to listen.

Her thoughts drift again to the horrifying temptation within her. She would never do it, ever, and it scares her to even write it. Suicide is a cop out, but it sure looks more glorious now than it ever has before. She wishes she were dead, just not at her own hand.

She can’t fall asleep. Two weeks at home, and with the exception of backaches in the morning, her sleep was consistently normal. Now, the first night back to reality, she lays in bed awake. So many thoughts rush through her head, some repeatedly because she can’t solve them in this quiet noise. The music in the background does nothing to console her because she’s alone again anyway. It’s always like that here.

He let her down again. Even last night he said, "I want you to trust me," but he makes it impossible. Little promises that he doesn’t follow through with are the ones that break her heart the most. It isn’t that hard to remember to call her back! But to him, sleep, the other phone call, the television, it was all more important than keeping his word. That’s what caused them to end it six months ago but she is still holding out for change. But he won’t; she knows that people can’t change. 1am and she still waits for her phone to ring, but it won’t.

Back to reality, back to class. She will work 24 hours in the next two days. The hours continue to tick by as the night seeps through her curtains. Please God, just a few hours of peace. But He doesn’t listen either; He hasn’t for some time now. What is she holding on to? What is still pushing her to wake up in the mornings, sleep deprived and emotionally drawn?

So she lays in bed, asking herself that very thing. And the hours tick by, and the music plays in the background, and she waits, for sleep, for the phone to ring, for really anything at all other than this.

Dodgers Revelation

Tonight, I went to a baseball game with my dad, and Blue lost, but it was a great game anyway! I think there were 22 runs total during the game, meaning hardly any dull moments. But I decided a few things:

~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.

~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.

~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.

~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.


I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.

Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!

Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!

Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!

Baseball

This is my metaphor for life this week:

Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.

So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.

I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.


Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]


Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad

2 am

It’s 2 am, my room is dark, and I’m alone. Tonight I hold onto the tears, refusing to let them fall. My eyes burn and my heart over takes my lungs, compressing them so I can’t catch my breath. No one understands, and I can rely on only my pillow to support me. The ones who say they love me are the ones who are making me crumble inside. So, I call no one. I reach out to Him, but He doesn’t answer. Sleep, an unknown entity these days, is what I need most, but even it denies me any solace. Here I will lay, a few more hours. My dreams will come as nightmares, my room a cave of emptiness. Maybe tomorrow will be better…

I've learned. And now I'm happy.

The truth is, I am happy, or at least content. It seems I haven’t felt that for so long. Just happiness; it’s such a common idea, and yet so often difficult to attain. This year has been a rough one and I sure battled my demons, so to speak. Now, I have emerged from that tunnel and I am glad to say that, well, I’m stronger. I get it now. Life isn’t what I expected. College sure wasn’t either, but hey, one more year and that chapter will be over, too. Just like high school. I hated high school when I was in it, and now all I do is wish for those years. The people I knew then are the people I still feel the closest to today. A simple text from Cy, a laugh from Justin, a postcard from Emily; those things mean the most. Making Matt laugh with my voicemail, having Kevin to hang with, getting chased by Campus Safety with Nolan, those are the times that I cherish even now, three years after graduation. I wish I wouldn’t have taken it for granted. Most of those people don’t even read this, but thank you to them all anyway. I’m sorry that I wasn’t always the greatest friend. I’m different now, we all are, but maybe we can still regain lost time, or at least not take the current time for granted.

I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.

Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.

Time, or lack of time

Time. There is never enough of it when you need it, and always too much of it when what you’re doing is not fun. Lucky for me, my busy schedule is saturated with amusing activities. Well, almost all of it. My week previous and in advance is as follows:

Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.

Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.

Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!

Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.

Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.

Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.

Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.

Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.

Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!

I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.

Inspiration from the Uninspired

I have always had a love affair with inspirational quotes. It's funny, because I'm not one of those people who remembers them at just the right opportunity when I need inspiration during a trying situation. All the same, it's short poetry, and I appreciate the wit that makes you sit back and say, "Wow, that's so true." Here are some of my favorites:

You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
-Arlo Guthrie

The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
-Zeno

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-Isaac Asimov

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-Joe Ancis

A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-Reverend Edward A. Malloy, Monk's Reflections

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubenstein

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa

Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
-Stella Terrill Mann

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-William Dement

Our Father refreshes our journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
-Unknown

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings

Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, they have been the most intolerant of all men.
–Voltaire

If you're not a liberal by twenty, you don't have a heart; if you're not a conservative by fourty, you don't have a brain.
-Winston Churchill

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-James Baldwin


I hope you pondered, nodded your head, or at least smiled at a few of these. They are windows into my personal battles and joys, and if you relate to any of them, I guess we can be satisfied in knowing that we are not alone.

<3

Re-Evaluation

I’ve been re-evaluating my life.

There comes a time in every young woman’s life where a re-evaluation is key to her sanity. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get my thoughts written down and sort through them. Then I send them into the unknown, and you [possibly] read them. If you have life-changing advice for me, feel free to share. Yet if you don’t, thank you for reading and supporting me. That’s all I really desire anyway.

I recently turned 21, and with it has come an enormous amount of responsibility. The age hasn’t mattered, really. Alcohol isn’t any integral aspect of my life, nor gambling. It has just been an incredible time of testing and growth in my development, and maybe 21 was waiting for me. My heart hurts something terrible and I hope this storm clears soon.

Among many things, one of the most dramatic parts of my teenage career was always: boys. Sadly, even now that I feel I am an adult, the boys continue to plague my daily schedule with unwanted hubbub. In order to give you a full picture, I am going to tell you details, something I do very rarely.

This week I experienced some things that made me think through what I want out of a man, or more specifically, not want. I was offered a one-night-stand with one boy, and also put in a compromising situation with another. I watched as multiple friends played the game of NCMO [Non-Committal Make Out] with random guys. Also, I endured the lack of follow-through of a guy that has potential of actually being “not-your-typical-male.” That’s only a handful of the disheartening things I battle every day. Here’s why:

1) I’m not that girl. I don’t have random make-out sessions with boys I don’t know well, and I don’t hook up with people just because I’m lonely. And lonely I am! But not enough to give away yet another piece of my broken heart to someone who never deserved it in the first place.

2) I know the consequences that follow. Emotionally, I’m already a wreck and I do not need the guilt of throwing myself at “just whoever will have me.” Not to mention the physical consequences that so many of my peers have struggled through. I can control my actions, therefore controlling the outcomes.

3) I want people to respect me. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I worry what others think about me. It’s the most intense form of accountability I know.

So, there is my list of acceptable and convincing reasons why I should stay strong in my convictions. So why is it so hard? Why do I watch my friends hook up and become jealous of their temporary intimacy? Why don’t I deserve the life that my best friend found early on: marriage, child on the way, true happiness? Is there a sign posted on me that reads “Easy”? My track record will tell you that I am a moral woman, and yet I only get the attention from shady boys. I just don’t understand. “Keep fighting, Mallory! You’ll be happy eventually!” That’s what everyone tells me. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m drowning in the idea that my life will continue like this for longer than I can manage…

Sure, while I’m at it, I’ll add a few more items to my rant. I’m tired of not having true friends. I’m tired of people not listening to me when I am crying out for help! I am sick of flaky people who never follow through. I’m sick of forgetting what it’s like to feel real happiness. That’s the thing I miss the most. I’m sick of this disease. I would do anything to feel worthwhile and beautiful to just one person. Just one.

I apologize. This was not the most uplifting blog you will read from my page. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. Pray for me. I’m afraid God isn’t receiving my prayers, so send one up for me if you are having any better luck. Don’t worry about me. I’m not stupid or impulsive. I just need a friend, someone to vent to, and for now this blog is all I’ve got.

Apathy: The New Stress

Well, I am smack in the middle of finals week. Which is why I am not studying, but choosing to write a few words that will do little for helping me remember Sociological theory or Piaget's theory of child development. Not to mention the fact that I cannot copy & paste these words and include them in the 12 page paper looming over my head. All the same, here I am :-)

I have two more finals tomorrow and that paper due via email by midnight on Saturday. I am so close to enjoying a 4 month summer, and yet so far from feeling like my studying is over! As I discussed with my dad last night, I am not stressed. Stress would involve a pinch of caring about school work, and the horrible truth is: I don't! Apathy is the new stress, at least in my world...

The things that keep me going this week:
1) MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS COMING TO CALIFORNIA AT THE END OF THE WEEK!!!!
2) Staff party tomorrow night
3) Dinner with my wonderful parents Thursday night, and possibly a night of mischief with Brenna later on...
4) Attending APU's graduation, and a graduation party, both of which I bought a slammin' new dress for
5) Brenna's 21st birthday. Uh oh is right :-)
6) A secret someone, that keeps getting into my head


I love reading lyrics to songs as the music plays in the background. I always wonder what prompted the writer to choose that word or that phrase. Here is part of a song from Anna Nalick called "In the Rough." I love these lyrics:

“You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands. ‘It's your fault for running, holding diamonds,’ I said. And I offer no sympathy for that, I hear that it was you who died alone. And I offer no sympathy for that. Better off I sparkle on my own.”

She goes on to say that love will find her... I relate to these words so deeply, as even I find myself between love. Maybe something new is brewing, and then again, maybe I just need to wait. Whatever the case is, I know I'll find what I am looking for.

Take care of yourselves, friends.

Ode to Life

Life is:
a rollercoaster
a whirlwind
a dance
a friend
a tornado
a song
an enemy
a journey

It's difficult for me to share with you, my anonymous reader, all of the ins and outs of my personal experiences. It's not that I don't wish to; I do! And yet it seems inappropriate to tell you the details of my date Saturday night, my old interest, my emotional battle, and my disappointments in how lousy school really is. Already, I fear I have said too much.

The truth is, there is a perpetual amount of info that my friends deserve to know, but I am yet sorting it out in my head. Once I figure it out, I will share it. That is my solemn vow to you. For now, enjoy this, the ramblings of my heart in print:

Find me standing
Here with you
Within this dream
Of gray and blue
I do not know
Just who you are
But I want to reach
So far, how far
Take me in
Hold me close
Make me safe
I fear the most
Can I be made
So brand new
That you accept
Me for what’s true
God just give me
One pure sign
To help me see
What should be mine

In the next three days, I have 3 presentations, a signing assessment, a portfolio, and two tests to complete.
But I am looking forward to this weekend when I will see my family, and especially my brother who will be performing in a school production [as a tap dancer!] Not to mention Saturday night with a birthday girl, a night that is sure to bring on trouble beyond your imagination.

Oh yah, I was blessed to see Brian Regan live in Long Beach last Friday! Geez, he is amazing! I cried, I laughed, I almost peed my pants [TMI].
My favorite line: "Can you believe that some guy is sitting around laughing his head off because he got rich selling "Blank-inside" cards! He's selling a crease! It doesn't even say anything on the inside! Just a picture of a tree on the outside, and nothing inside! Unbelievable!"

I love stand up comedy. Which reminds me, friend [you know who you are] I think I still have your DVD. Sorry. I'd give it back, but then just end up borrowing it and keeping it forever again. :-)

As much as I love procrastinating by pretending this blog is worthy of my time, I must accomplish some things today.
Until next time, LOVE. PEACE. AND SOUL.

A Poem for a Journey

Because sometimes a normal blog just won't cut it:

Maybe these moments
of struggle and sting
are building me up inside.
I’m fighting for something
different now,
a world where I need not hide.
The truth is, I’ve changed
and I cannot pretend
that I am who I once was.
I will no longer model my life
and behavior the way
everyone else does.
But maybe this new girl emerging
won’t really be all that bad.
True, for now I’m still broken,
scared, beaten down,
and earnestly mad.
Take me for what I am,
because I have nothing else to give.
It’s my turn
to figure out what it feels like
to completely and honestly live.
Oh, the future seems so far
and I cannot fathom
what it holds.
Yet I’m impatiently waiting
to see the uncertains,
the dreams,
and the untolds.

By Mallory Roseborough, April 15, 2007

Back to Reality

The real world beckons me, come. I fear this approaching week, for I did not utilize my spring break in a way that would ease my undeniable stress. You see, although I finished the activities for certain school related assignments, I have not written the lengthy papers that accompany them. And they are due incredibly soon.

I am back in my apartment. Tomorrow is an early morning. School begins again. Can you tell that I am mentally unprepared for this daunting forecast? Soon, it will be over, though! The summer is only 24 days away! I can make it; I am [almost] positive!

The other thing on my mind is my unstoppable "emo" phase. True, at first glance you might deem me "preppy," but deep down inside there is a girl with raging feelings who likes listening to bands who share those raging feelings. My emotions are taking over, and it will take some divine intervention to stop them. For now, I will listen to those lyrics that make me say, "Yes, yes! That is so true, and my life parallels that phrase!" And I will also share some of those lyrics with you:


John Mayer: [A portion of] Split Screen Sadness
…All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness


Thank you to those who have put up with me lately; you are true friends. I promise that I will eventually snap out of this phase! To Mom and Dad, thank you for a great week! I loved being with you!

And so it begins: Get ready world! I am going to kick butt this week, even if it kills me [which it might...]

Good night, dream well, friends. And dream big. Never forget to dream big.

Spring Break!

It has been a crazy spring break, of that you can be certain! But as my dear friend Justin writes, it's not your typical "spring break" experience for someone like me, a 21-year old college girl. Instead of partying the nights away, I chose to watch "Cars" with my parents, and instead of venturing to Cabo, I am going to spend a day on the beach [today] with Mom and Dad.

Earlier this week, I went back to work at the pre-school where many hours were spent last summer, cleaning up play-doh and sliding down large plastic structures with my 3-year old friends. The difference was that this time I refused pay in order to catch up on some service hours for school. I'm almost done with my quota of 30 volunteer hours for the semester. Sweet!

Last night, I stepped out of my safety boundaries and went to Vince's Pasta and Pizza for a community deaf event. I'm learning sign language, currently about to finish my second semester of ASL. I really love the language, but what you find is that in a real life setting the words "belt," "welder," and "pink" do not help in starting a conversation with a complete stranger! Yet, I had a good experience and enjoyed the [slightly awkward] conversation that ensued.

I also finished an interview with a family friend for my "Psychology of Child and Adolescent Development" class. She is 3-years old, and she is brilliant. Some of the experiments I did with her, she successfully completed when she is not expected to know it for another 2-3 years! It was truly inspiring.

So, my bags are packed and I am waiting to drive to the beach. It will be nice to finally get some R&R during this spring break! Sure, it's not your typical "party" atmosphere you may expect, but I am satisfied in what I have accomplished the past week. I am thankful for my parents and I am looking forward to spending time with them! Since I will not be returning home this summer, it's nice to get quality time in while we can! I miss my brother [who is vacationing in Ohio for the week!] Hopefully I will get to see him soon!

Beach here I come. Until next time, farewell friends!

There is a first time for everything...

After many months of reading blogs posted by my dear friends Cy, Justin, and Emily I have decided that I would like to write my own blog. Yes, friends. Just when I thought I could not waste any more time at my aging Mac computer, I have found another hobby. Blogging. I have nothing important to say, no great advice to share, but I am on a journey to find out what is true about me. Read at your own leisure; I promise nothing more than an open heart. And if you choose to read even still, thank you.