There were days when it seemed I would never find my way. Sometimes, I seriously felt like giving up and giving in. The academics were impossible, the drama was unbearable, the rent was un-payable, the headaches, the backaches, and the heartaches, inconsolable.
BUT I MADE IT.
I finally finished college, something I only dreamed of doing since three and a half years ago when I started hating waking up to the life before me. But now it's over. There are no more papers lingering over my head. My stress has diminished and my rent is free. The only reminders of the last four years are the student loans and the remnant pains in my back, still sore from the stress I carried between my shoulders.
Denial continues to convince me that at some unexpected moment a test will be assigned. And yet, somewhere in my soul I am realizing the freedom I have. Now, I can re-create my life. I am a whole new 'Mallory,' taking those first precious steps towards a real opportunity. I finally have control back of who I am and what I want to do. It's an unexpressible feeling.
:: Now What? ::
Who knows. But I don't care. Anything ahead is better than what lies behind me.
I have set personal goals to encourage me to be the genuine, honest, wise person that I desire to be. I'm not letting all of those "lessons" of the past four years go to waste! Here are a few, just for taste:
~ Always be currently reading a book. I spent an hour at Barnes and Noble today, and I bought 2 books online tonight. I also sorted through my old books to freshen up on some of my old favorites.
~ Learn other languages. I have a sign language book that will help me continue learning ASL. Then I hope to learn Spanish. I should have done that a long time ago, I'm afraid...
~ Learn to play the piano. I failed miserably in my class this semester, surprisingly receiving a 'B' anyway. I sure fooled my professor!
~ Find a church, get involved. This means finding a young singles Bible study, volunteering at Monday Night Manna [serving the local homeless], and attending regularly! Also, I need to tithe... Yikes.
~ Subscribe to smart magazines. I already bought Psychology Today and have read quite a bit of it. I don't want my major, or my brain, to go to waste.
~ Work out at the gym. Shouldn't we all do this more?
That's my plan and I'm stickin' to it.
:: Fun things ::
Best recent quote: "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet." From the movie, Juno.
Best recent song & lyrics: "Summer Song" by Wavorly
Spread the blanket on top, and I’ll turn off the lights
And we’ll gaze at the stars
With you by my side, the moon set to the right
It’s incomparable so far
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling
Two years ago, I had no idea that you were so perfect
As we wait so long, until we join hands
You make the wait worth it
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling
Now years down the road
Still hasn’t gotten old to sit and laugh the day away
There’s one thing you should know
My love for you grows even more every day
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling in love
And the day that I finally can take you home
There’s no way that I’m ever, ever letting go
We’ll be ok, though miles may separate
There’s no space between our hearts
And this day, I choose to keep loving you
As if it were a choice, I can’t stop falling…
I haven’t stopped falling in love
It's ironic, ya know? Titling this post "Staring New" and then ending with a song which, interpreted personally, has nothing to do with staring over... I'm just not ready yet...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
LoLz and FailDogs
I frequently visit these sites when I am in need of a laugh, and I think you should see them, as well:
The first is a site full of [mostly] cats, with captions, written in LoLz language: which is a kind of funny cat lingo with some[purposeful] misspellings. Here are a few good examples:
The site: http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/8/
(Yes, start on page 8. I did that on purpose).
The second site is similar, except every caption says "Fail" and it's only dogs. You'll see why:
http://faildogs.com/page/2
Enjoy!
The first is a site full of [mostly] cats, with captions, written in LoLz language: which is a kind of funny cat lingo with some[purposeful] misspellings. Here are a few good examples:
The site: http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/8/
(Yes, start on page 8. I did that on purpose).
The second site is similar, except every caption says "Fail" and it's only dogs. You'll see why:
http://faildogs.com/page/2
Enjoy!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Bulleted Thoughts
~ I am graduating in 33 days.
~ I have a lot to accomplish in 33 days.
~ I will be taking senior pictures and sending them out with graduation announcements soon!
~ I like the soundtrack from the movie "Once," despite the fact that I haven't seen the actual film yet.
~ Thank you Cy for taking me as your date this weekend :-D I had a blast!! And Emily, thanks for letting me come visit despite it taking me a few years to actually get there!
~ I finally understand why the last four years have been brutal. I have changed in many ways, but I could have never imagined that, beyond anything else, this would be the path to fixing some bad social habits I had in high school. When I completely formulate this thought, I'll write about it. The problem was that I was hardened clay. If I would have just been soft to my Potter's hands, it would not have been such a painful experience. So I got burned and re-molded. But here I am, and I know I am stronger than the older version of myself.
~ I have decided that I finally understand the W.W.J.D thing. I mean, at a shallow level, I've always "got it," but it hit me hard this month. Who put the idea into my head that it is my job as a Christian to judge others and continually call them out on their faults? Gosh, what an awful concept. Who do I think I am; God? I don't think we are told to be like God... ever. We are directed to act the way Jesus did. He, above anyone else, never judged and pointed fingers at people for their faults. He even said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her [the woman found in adultery]." John 8:7. The only people Jesus judged were those who were pointing fingers at others. SO WHERE DO CHRISTIANS GET OFF THINKING THAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SET OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT?! Do I believe in accountability? Yes. But I am really over this "God calls me to judge you" mentality. Let it go, and let God do the judging. No one ever told you to do that. Spend your eneergy doing somehting useful. So, for myself, I refuse to judge you. I hope that the unconditional love I try to show speaks more volumes to you than a pointed finger.
That's enough for right now.
Do something nice for someone else today. Bye.
~ I have a lot to accomplish in 33 days.
~ I will be taking senior pictures and sending them out with graduation announcements soon!
~ I like the soundtrack from the movie "Once," despite the fact that I haven't seen the actual film yet.
~ Thank you Cy for taking me as your date this weekend :-D I had a blast!! And Emily, thanks for letting me come visit despite it taking me a few years to actually get there!
~ I finally understand why the last four years have been brutal. I have changed in many ways, but I could have never imagined that, beyond anything else, this would be the path to fixing some bad social habits I had in high school. When I completely formulate this thought, I'll write about it. The problem was that I was hardened clay. If I would have just been soft to my Potter's hands, it would not have been such a painful experience. So I got burned and re-molded. But here I am, and I know I am stronger than the older version of myself.
~ I have decided that I finally understand the W.W.J.D thing. I mean, at a shallow level, I've always "got it," but it hit me hard this month. Who put the idea into my head that it is my job as a Christian to judge others and continually call them out on their faults? Gosh, what an awful concept. Who do I think I am; God? I don't think we are told to be like God... ever. We are directed to act the way Jesus did. He, above anyone else, never judged and pointed fingers at people for their faults. He even said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her [the woman found in adultery]." John 8:7. The only people Jesus judged were those who were pointing fingers at others. SO WHERE DO CHRISTIANS GET OFF THINKING THAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SET OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT?! Do I believe in accountability? Yes. But I am really over this "God calls me to judge you" mentality. Let it go, and let God do the judging. No one ever told you to do that. Spend your eneergy doing somehting useful. So, for myself, I refuse to judge you. I hope that the unconditional love I try to show speaks more volumes to you than a pointed finger.
That's enough for right now.
Do something nice for someone else today. Bye.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sad poem. Skip this post.
Yes I wrote this. Yes, some of it rhymes, and no I don't care that some of it doesn't.
Yes, it's sad. I'm sorry so many posts are like this. Just in a really bad spot.
In fact, don't read it.
*Untitled*
The end is almost here
The days are slowly creeping by
Forever I have waited
But for tonight, again I cry
I want to look ahead and
I want to now adjust
But I cannot deny the feeling
Tonight my heart is crushed
This one hurt me
This one lost it
This one doesn’t care
You’re the oil to my water
He’s the reason I don’t share
Myself, in times of sadness
I’m treading water, loosing strength
Loosing faith in you
I fake a smile, fake a laugh
It’s only what I can do
He’s the one I really want,
But never will he notice
I’ll leave in May, move away
And I’ll never know the boldness of what we just might be
Resorting back to one would tear me down to ruin
But maybe it’s the best
Myself I have not proven
Worthy of much else
Than what it was
You ponder me ever?
I’m fonder of you.
My patience is starved
My alley is carved
How much longer will it take
For him to find me
For you to know me
To go back, this life, unmake
Yes, it's sad. I'm sorry so many posts are like this. Just in a really bad spot.
In fact, don't read it.
*Untitled*
The end is almost here
The days are slowly creeping by
Forever I have waited
But for tonight, again I cry
I want to look ahead and
I want to now adjust
But I cannot deny the feeling
Tonight my heart is crushed
This one hurt me
This one lost it
This one doesn’t care
You’re the oil to my water
He’s the reason I don’t share
Myself, in times of sadness
I’m treading water, loosing strength
Loosing faith in you
I fake a smile, fake a laugh
It’s only what I can do
He’s the one I really want,
But never will he notice
I’ll leave in May, move away
And I’ll never know the boldness of what we just might be
Resorting back to one would tear me down to ruin
But maybe it’s the best
Myself I have not proven
Worthy of much else
Than what it was
You ponder me ever?
I’m fonder of you.
My patience is starved
My alley is carved
How much longer will it take
For him to find me
For you to know me
To go back, this life, unmake
Monday, February 4, 2008
Murphy's Law
This past week has been awful.
Murphy's Law: states that things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance.
I AM: MURPHY'S LAW.
Reasons: My computer is beyond fixable and I have to buy a new one. I lost my brand new digital camera after waiting [almost] a year and a half without a camera. My closet door broke off. My car smelled like burning engine belts. I couldn't afford my rent. My piano class has turned out to be impossible. I could go on, but reliving all of this is wearing me out.
HOWEVER:
~ God has been teaching me some solid bits of wisdom.
~ I think that Satan is frightened and has chosen to attack me at my weakest points [and believe me, he knows them.]
~ I am glad to have a computer, a landlord, a car, my rent check, and an education even if it doesn't always go perfectly. Any doubts? Walk through the World Vision "Step Into Africa" tour. It stopped my complaining.
I have a lot of thoughts to write down. Some of that God stuff, and some other stuff. But I slept 2 hours last night = I'll share later.
Good night, friends.
Murphy's Law: states that things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance.
I AM: MURPHY'S LAW.
Reasons: My computer is beyond fixable and I have to buy a new one. I lost my brand new digital camera after waiting [almost] a year and a half without a camera. My closet door broke off. My car smelled like burning engine belts. I couldn't afford my rent. My piano class has turned out to be impossible. I could go on, but reliving all of this is wearing me out.
HOWEVER:
~ God has been teaching me some solid bits of wisdom.
~ I think that Satan is frightened and has chosen to attack me at my weakest points [and believe me, he knows them.]
~ I am glad to have a computer, a landlord, a car, my rent check, and an education even if it doesn't always go perfectly. Any doubts? Walk through the World Vision "Step Into Africa" tour. It stopped my complaining.
I have a lot of thoughts to write down. Some of that God stuff, and some other stuff. But I slept 2 hours last night = I'll share later.
Good night, friends.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A Powerful Video
I hate it when people force religion. I really do. The only reasons I share my faith is when I care deeply about someone, or if something impacts me and I need to share it. Tonight, I don't want to force anything, but read on if you wish.
I saw a video that has brought so much emotion to my heart. Hopefully, it at least makes you think. Don't worry, I know it starts out cheesy, but the end justifies it.
I can relate to this video all too well. I know what I need in life, but I keep getting sidetracked! I'm glad He's on my side, or else I'd be screwed. That's the honest truth.
I saw a video that has brought so much emotion to my heart. Hopefully, it at least makes you think. Don't worry, I know it starts out cheesy, but the end justifies it.
I can relate to this video all too well. I know what I need in life, but I keep getting sidetracked! I'm glad He's on my side, or else I'd be screwed. That's the honest truth.
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Beginning
The semester has started with a rush of energy, and I am trying my best to keep up! There are only 99 days 'til my graduation, and I am beyond enthused. After a long struggle to fill my remaining 16 units, I settled on these classes:
~ Beginning Piano for Non Music Majors
~ Intervent Strategies for Children
~ Youth Ministry: Camping
~ Intro to Business
~ Intro to Leadership
~ Senior Seminar
As you can see, most of my required classes are all finished, so now I am taking lots of Freshman level classes just to get the piece of paper that will change my life. These classes have turned out to have a lot of busy work [I had forgotten after 3 years], but the subject matter is certainly easy. So no worries. AND I have no classes on Fridays. Ahhh, so nice.
I have been in contact with someone about being hired to do floor-time therapy with autistic children. We will most likely be setting up an interview soon! I really hope to get this job!
What will happen May 4th, the day after graduation? I don't really know. I have a couple options and even was offered a summer position in Azusa, but my heart tells me to leave this place and start over. I'm really confused about what to do.
Quick Facts:
I saw Cloverfield, and it was good.
I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti and it was not so good.
It rained and hailed all week, so I have been happy. :-D
I picked my topic for my 25 page senior seminar paper. I am going to talk about birth order and family constellations. I read some interesting things last year while studying Alfred Adler so I am excited to do this paper.
My computer is having a battery charging problem despite the fact that I bought a new $140 battery.
I got a new digital camera for Christmas. It's been one month and I have yet to do a fun photo shoot.
I am going to see Tyrone Wells in concert tonight.
I made a commitment to myself that this semester I would begin to start over. I didn't want to wait 'til May to start feeling better. God agreed, and within the first 2 days of school, He started trying to get my attention. I decided to drive without music for a while, and I really felt connected with Him. There are some new ideas and some new feelings inside of me, and I am glad to say that it's been a great beginning. I am making a mental list of things I want to do after graduation, so one day I will share that with you! It's a work in progress, like myself, but I'm gettin' somewhere.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!
~ Beginning Piano for Non Music Majors
~ Intervent Strategies for Children
~ Youth Ministry: Camping
~ Intro to Business
~ Intro to Leadership
~ Senior Seminar
As you can see, most of my required classes are all finished, so now I am taking lots of Freshman level classes just to get the piece of paper that will change my life. These classes have turned out to have a lot of busy work [I had forgotten after 3 years], but the subject matter is certainly easy. So no worries. AND I have no classes on Fridays. Ahhh, so nice.
I have been in contact with someone about being hired to do floor-time therapy with autistic children. We will most likely be setting up an interview soon! I really hope to get this job!
What will happen May 4th, the day after graduation? I don't really know. I have a couple options and even was offered a summer position in Azusa, but my heart tells me to leave this place and start over. I'm really confused about what to do.
Quick Facts:
I saw Cloverfield, and it was good.
I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti and it was not so good.
It rained and hailed all week, so I have been happy. :-D
I picked my topic for my 25 page senior seminar paper. I am going to talk about birth order and family constellations. I read some interesting things last year while studying Alfred Adler so I am excited to do this paper.
My computer is having a battery charging problem despite the fact that I bought a new $140 battery.
I got a new digital camera for Christmas. It's been one month and I have yet to do a fun photo shoot.
I am going to see Tyrone Wells in concert tonight.
I made a commitment to myself that this semester I would begin to start over. I didn't want to wait 'til May to start feeling better. God agreed, and within the first 2 days of school, He started trying to get my attention. I decided to drive without music for a while, and I really felt connected with Him. There are some new ideas and some new feelings inside of me, and I am glad to say that it's been a great beginning. I am making a mental list of things I want to do after graduation, so one day I will share that with you! It's a work in progress, like myself, but I'm gettin' somewhere.
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
2008
Here’s to 2008. I suppose I am looking forward to the coming year, not because of some well-planned resolutions [that I would most likely abandon anyway]. I look forward to it because, well, there is no way it can get any worse than the year we just evaded. Some years are milestones, full of learned lessons and the strengthening of character. Although in some distant moment I may look back at 2007 as that kind of memory, I wish only to erase it completely now.
A year in review, for any who doubt me: I turned 21 and with it came new experiences filled with drama and adventure. Alcohol is marketed on hype alone. I wish it were abandoned for it has only destroyed so many fine evenings. February marks the ending of a long relationship with someone I cared deeply about. That was so hard. I’ll never forget that night. I was in counseling, and soon discovered I had a depression strong enough to demand outside help [on many levels]. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It hurt. I couldn’t escape. Sometimes, I still find myself grasped in it again. The summer was slightly awful. Despite a few trips I took to ease my mind, reality awaited me when I returned. I was betrayed by a good friend. My eyes were opened to many things I wish I had never seen, friends’ true intentions and secrets. Then came Fall and a semester from Hell. Four upper division Psychology classes and a Theology class. I am still recovering even after 2 weeks of rest. Those are the major points. If only I had space to write you what really happened. So many secrets… So much heartbreak this year. But I won’t bore you with the details…
I’d like to lose weight this year, along with every other American. I’d like to graduate and never look back. I’d like to make millions and become a successful… [well, I’d figure that out eventually I ‘spose.] I’d like to find people whom I can trust again. Maybe even find God and a church that won’t inevitably prove my theories about Christianity. To tell the truth, no resolution means as much to me as this one: I’d like to find a true happiness. Yes, that would settle it for me. I hope the same for you, dear reader. May 2008 bring you the happiness you long for. And if not, at least we have our blogs and each other to cope with what lies ahead.
A year in review, for any who doubt me: I turned 21 and with it came new experiences filled with drama and adventure. Alcohol is marketed on hype alone. I wish it were abandoned for it has only destroyed so many fine evenings. February marks the ending of a long relationship with someone I cared deeply about. That was so hard. I’ll never forget that night. I was in counseling, and soon discovered I had a depression strong enough to demand outside help [on many levels]. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It hurt. I couldn’t escape. Sometimes, I still find myself grasped in it again. The summer was slightly awful. Despite a few trips I took to ease my mind, reality awaited me when I returned. I was betrayed by a good friend. My eyes were opened to many things I wish I had never seen, friends’ true intentions and secrets. Then came Fall and a semester from Hell. Four upper division Psychology classes and a Theology class. I am still recovering even after 2 weeks of rest. Those are the major points. If only I had space to write you what really happened. So many secrets… So much heartbreak this year. But I won’t bore you with the details…
I’d like to lose weight this year, along with every other American. I’d like to graduate and never look back. I’d like to make millions and become a successful… [well, I’d figure that out eventually I ‘spose.] I’d like to find people whom I can trust again. Maybe even find God and a church that won’t inevitably prove my theories about Christianity. To tell the truth, no resolution means as much to me as this one: I’d like to find a true happiness. Yes, that would settle it for me. I hope the same for you, dear reader. May 2008 bring you the happiness you long for. And if not, at least we have our blogs and each other to cope with what lies ahead.
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