Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:

Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:

~ Today I was working, writing passes for guests to park on campus. We keep a log of their names and licence plates. So I ask this middle-aged man in a suit, "May I have your name?" And he replies: "Well, I'm sort of using it, but ok." Total straight face. Made my day!

~ I printed 84 pages this week and turned them in to professors. That's a lot.

~ Christmas is by far my favorite time of year and I love the chill in the air! Finally November wasn't all 80 degree weather!

~ I have one more week of class and one week of finals. I think I might make it to the end! I'll let you know if I do...

~ 25 days until Christmas. 155 days until graduation from college.

The best videos of kids.. .EVER. No seriously, you have to watch these!

Random Thoughts

I have quite a bit running through my head. Despite the fact that I need to be writing 4 research papers and studying for tests, much more is consuming my thoughts. So, here is a random list of thoughts in list form.

~ At APU football games [I sport I do not usually enjoy] the students in the spirit section always cheer this: "Suppress them! Suppress them! Make them relinquish the ball!" Isn't that witty? If you don't understand why that is so clever, then you are the reason we chant it. Our school is so smart, we can't waste our time with cheers that use "childish words."

~ I run in my sleep. I don't walk aimlessly around my apartment, I freakin' run for my life! Something will frighten me mid-dream and so I run from it. Literally. It ends with me standing in my kitchen, curiously wondering why I just acted in such a bizarre manor. Odd, huh?

~ "You know you're a senior when" a one page essay really isn't adequate space to express your thoughts in a paper and you tweak margins and font in order to write just a little bit more...

~ This weekend during my trip home I discussed moving back in with my parents in May after I graduate. The weird part is how wonderful of an idea it is becoming! They have agreed to give me the downstairs bedroom so I have more space and privacy. Awesome.

~ I hate being enrolled in school. I hope I make it the remaining 180 days.

~ My most recently watched film (and I have actually watched quite a few movies lately) is "Martian Child." Seriously, if you see this and don't feel the urge to shed a tear, you are heartless and devil-controlled.

~ Yesterday was 11/04/07, which may mean nothing to you, but being my three most-seen random numbers, I thought for sure something significant were going to happen. Nothing did.

~ Slang you should know: "Hyphe." It means NORCAL CRUNK, hyphe is to northern cali as what crunk is to the south. Hyphe is bringing crunk to a whole new level, just goin all out nastay (Urbandictionary.com). Basically it means going crazy or wild. Use it. It's hot right now.

~ And on a more serious note, my personal theology is confused as of now. Maybe all of those theology classes and chapels have worn me out, but I can barely pray without over-thinking every word I say. "Maybe I can't say that to God, or maybe I am supposed to do this differently." But, luckily God is teaching me something else, which we all know is never easy. It's about the topic of Grace. I am still in process of understanding it, so I'll write more on that later.

~ I have decided that I like consistency. Knowing what will happen and having a daily routine is much easier than constantly needing to adapt to new situations. I am looking forward to working full-time because it's a reliable, daily routine! And I like consistent friends, ones that stick by me despite life changes.

~ That's it. Now that I have emptied my head, I'm going to go start those papers. Maybe...

4-Year Testimony

I want these posts to be:
honest but inspiring,
real but impressive,
complete but hand picked.

Yet I can't always do that. I get upset just like the next guy, and for me, I seem to be that way more often than not. I don't know what I am missing...

So today, here it is, raw, uncut, uncensored. My 4-year testimony. Read at your own risk!

Never in my life have I endured such a terrible span of time as I have since I began college. That sentence doesn't put it into complete perspective. Here: After all of the times we moved when I was younger, when I lost friends and watched our family struggle through financial problems, when I thought that the drama in high school was the worst it could be, I had no idea that someday I would long for those moments compared to now. That's somewhat better.

I've had a run of bad luck, to say the least. I moved to APU in the Fall filled with hopes and expectations. By October, I was already sitting in the laundry room late at night crying because of my loneliness. But I came to APU with the hopes of community and decided to stick it out. I had never felt so isolated in my life. I lived on a dorm hall with an RA who was more interested in her boyfriend than her residents, most of the girls were partiers and straight up mean, I lived with my dear high school friend, but our differences drew us apart. I had a boyfriend who wasn't satisfied until I talked to him for 4 hours a night instead of putting it towards my homework and social life. We were usually fighting. I joined a D-Group in hopes of finding God, and instead I found a leader who detailed, not the Bible, but her sex expeditions from the week. I was sleep-deprived and I lost 20 pounds, by accident. So a year went by, and I only could claim one wonderful friend out of 4,000. Kelly and I were inseperable, or so I thought. She hated APU as much as I did and told me that she wasn't returning in the Fall. So within a month I lost my best friend, my roommate, and my boyfriend. Time to start over. Again.
Sophomore year wasn't much better. The best part was having a roommate elope in Vegas and get pregnant soon after. At least I got my own room out of it! And the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend was a welcome adventure, despite the fact that no one approved of me the whole time I was dating him, which was about 18 months. But I was still lonely, still wanting to connect. Out of all of these people, shouldn't I find someone who understood me? Apparently that was too much to ask. My boyfriend and I broke up; we fought a lot, too. I got new roommates, again. My ultimate best friend moved to the other side of the country, got married, and got pregnant. I just kept losing people! I prayed daily, "God, please send me one person!" Maybe He will get back to me eventually...
Last year I started counseling. I was diagnosed with depression. I found a friend who was crazy, but I clung to her in the hopes that she was the answer to my prayers. She wasn't. She stabbed me in the back, and continues to do so. I go out on the weekends and every guy I meet wants to be my best friend until he finds out I won't end up in a lip-lock with him by the end of the night. The girls are regressing back to middle school drama and attitudes. And I am left shocked and bewildered by what I have witnessed. No one cares here, no one listens. I hated my high school as an "institution" but loved the people, and now I hate my college because of the people but love the "institution." I wish I could go back to high school. But I can't.

What should I do?

Praise God I am almost out of here. In May, I will be graduating. The future is unknown, but I am certain that I will not stay here. Please, God, let this be a phase and let it be almost over. I can't endure it much longer!

As always, thanks for reading...

Reality TV

I love drama. Wait... let me re-phrase. I love watching drama happen when I am in no way involved or obligated to interfere. That's more like it. Most recently I have been watching "The Hills" on MTV, Monday nights at 10pm. I might possibly be drawn to it because my life so closely parallels Lauren and the crew, or maybe the Psych major in me loves analyzing all the crazy people that the network most certainly cuts and edits into facinating characters. Either way, the drama is epidemically overtaking my interests. I love it. I live for Monday nights.

A few episodes ago Lauren and Lo were discussing Audrina's "bounce back" relationship with Justin Bobby. [Bear with me, this has a point.] Lo is skeptical that Justin Bobby has actually changed, and the conversation goes like this:


"Lo: Do you think people can really change though?

Lauren: I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.

Lo: But why do you have to have a guy that you have to change? Don't you want to meet somebody that's good already?

Lauren: That's too easy :-)"


What a profound moment coming from two fashionistas from yuppy Laguna Beach! But it hit me. I'm that girl. Every guy I date needs me for some reason. They lack in some area that I feel I can save them from. Why? I have come to the conclusion that it's not because I am some fantastic, giving, selfless being. I wish I could claim that. I think the real reason this happens is because I want to deserve someone. I want people to look at our relationship and say, "Wow, he is lucky to have you!" The other side is dreadful because I would constantly feel unworthy of his love.

There's more. And this is the good part: I will recognize my future love because he won't need me and I won't need him. We will be mutually and equally independent with the same expectations about a marriage. Of course we will rely on each other and ask for help the way that a couple should! But we won't crash in the absence of the other. Make sense?

I am reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and it has really been a great read. There is a chapter on grace that made me realize that I do this very battle with God. I guess I want to deserve God. I want to be worthy of Him and gain my salvation on my own! See, I'm good at that! I am good at working towards a goal and accepting an award! But free gifts, grace, all of that I have trouble being ok with. In the same respect that my future love won't need me, God doesn't need me, but He wants me and desires my company. That's difficult to wrap my head around, but I am getting there. I am getting there.

Who says you can't gain anything from reality TV?

A story of my own...

She glides her hands over the keyboard, praying for inspiration. If only she could write one word, one gripping account, maybe people would understand her. Her hand reaches into the box of crackers, knowing that she will regret this decision like so many others. 5’7 and weighing 140 pounds is fat. She’s been fat for so long, and workouts paralleled with calorie counting didn’t help. She’s stress eating again. The last few weeks have taken a turn backwards. She was doing so well… Life was putting itself back in order and now it’s as if all those weeks in counseling and the medication were in vain. She has failed again.

She makes a list of people in her head to blame. If only her roommate would do her own dishes, if only her best friend hadn’t moved to the other side of the country, if only God lived up to all those promises, maybe her life wouldn’t be so close to ruin. It made the most sense to blame God. Since day one, she grew up poor and never satisfied. Her needs were barely met, and even today, 21.5 years later, her needs still aren’t met. God promises to reward those who are faithful to Him, but she is learning otherwise. Her parents have been involved in ministry for 30 years, and even last night they could not buy a meal to share. She vows to never live like that. And she vows to never put her trust in a God that has pushed her own family through hell for so much time.

Her mind remembers the empty bottle of toothpaste. All she needs is three dollars, but it doesn’t exist. Just once, it would be nice to buy the necessities and not over-draw her account. Her friends are going out tonight, and she will have to ask her friend to loan her the cash. She just doesn’t have four bucks in her pocket, or anywhere. It’s humiliating, and she’s tired of it.

When she graduated high school, she had great anticipation for what college would bring: a good education, fun weekends, a better understanding of God, and most of all, deep relationships with fellow students. Now as she enters her last year, she cries over the fact that none of this has happened. Is one good friend really too much to ask for? Now she is thousands of dollars in debt for a four-year journey through hell. It has not been a choice safari to say the least.

And she is losing her best friend. This has happened quite a few times in her lifetime. Her family moved a lot because, well, ministry tears apart families and friendships. Her heart has been strewn over so many conversations because one person has never stayed around long enough to really know her. And now he’s leaving. It’s almost funny how expected this is. He’s the only one who really knows her these days. There are no secrets between them. Sure, she hates him sometimes for his lack of attention abilities and his communication issues, but she loves him, even after all this time. But he will be gone soon, and she will be back to nothing, no one.

A psychology major herself, she snickers as new psychoses are revealed in the corners of her mind. Glancing around the room, nothing out of place to the regular eye, she notices a paper crooked on the desk. Obsessive-compulsive already. Her great-grandmother suffered under this disease, and now it seems it has entered her generation. Depression tested positive in counseling this last semester. And the night terrors, the screaming, the hallucinations, the apnea, oh those just add to the misery of hating being awake but dreading the nighttime.

This girl sits with the door closed because she is keeping people out, although all that she really wants is some good company. The silence threatens to burst her eardrum. The clock is a constant reminder of her inability to sleep and that he still didn’t call tonight.

It’s difficult to stay positive now, even though that used to be one of her gifts. But who can blame her? Her friend stabbed her heartlessly in the back this weekend and is now blaming her, the innocent one, for the fact that their friendship is dying. Just one person would make all the difference, but she’s alone, again, with no one who cares enough to listen. Even he wouldn’t take the time to listen.

Her thoughts drift again to the horrifying temptation within her. She would never do it, ever, and it scares her to even write it. Suicide is a cop out, but it sure looks more glorious now than it ever has before. She wishes she were dead, just not at her own hand.

She can’t fall asleep. Two weeks at home, and with the exception of backaches in the morning, her sleep was consistently normal. Now, the first night back to reality, she lays in bed awake. So many thoughts rush through her head, some repeatedly because she can’t solve them in this quiet noise. The music in the background does nothing to console her because she’s alone again anyway. It’s always like that here.

He let her down again. Even last night he said, "I want you to trust me," but he makes it impossible. Little promises that he doesn’t follow through with are the ones that break her heart the most. It isn’t that hard to remember to call her back! But to him, sleep, the other phone call, the television, it was all more important than keeping his word. That’s what caused them to end it six months ago but she is still holding out for change. But he won’t; she knows that people can’t change. 1am and she still waits for her phone to ring, but it won’t.

Back to reality, back to class. She will work 24 hours in the next two days. The hours continue to tick by as the night seeps through her curtains. Please God, just a few hours of peace. But He doesn’t listen either; He hasn’t for some time now. What is she holding on to? What is still pushing her to wake up in the mornings, sleep deprived and emotionally drawn?

So she lays in bed, asking herself that very thing. And the hours tick by, and the music plays in the background, and she waits, for sleep, for the phone to ring, for really anything at all other than this.

Dodgers Revelation

Tonight, I went to a baseball game with my dad, and Blue lost, but it was a great game anyway! I think there were 22 runs total during the game, meaning hardly any dull moments. But I decided a few things:

~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.

~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.

~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.

~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.


I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.

Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!

Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!

Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!

Baseball

This is my metaphor for life this week:

Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.

So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.

I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.


Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]


Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad