She glides her hands over the keyboard, praying for inspiration. If only she could write one word, one gripping account, maybe people would understand her. Her hand reaches into the box of crackers, knowing that she will regret this decision like so many others. 5’7 and weighing 140 pounds is fat. She’s been fat for so long, and workouts paralleled with calorie counting didn’t help. She’s stress eating again. The last few weeks have taken a turn backwards. She was doing so well… Life was putting itself back in order and now it’s as if all those weeks in counseling and the medication were in vain. She has failed again.
She makes a list of people in her head to blame. If only her roommate would do her own dishes, if only her best friend hadn’t moved to the other side of the country, if only God lived up to all those promises, maybe her life wouldn’t be so close to ruin. It made the most sense to blame God. Since day one, she grew up poor and never satisfied. Her needs were barely met, and even today, 21.5 years later, her needs still aren’t met. God promises to reward those who are faithful to Him, but she is learning otherwise. Her parents have been involved in ministry for 30 years, and even last night they could not buy a meal to share. She vows to never live like that. And she vows to never put her trust in a God that has pushed her own family through hell for so much time.
Her mind remembers the empty bottle of toothpaste. All she needs is three dollars, but it doesn’t exist. Just once, it would be nice to buy the necessities and not over-draw her account. Her friends are going out tonight, and she will have to ask her friend to loan her the cash. She just doesn’t have four bucks in her pocket, or anywhere. It’s humiliating, and she’s tired of it.
When she graduated high school, she had great anticipation for what college would bring: a good education, fun weekends, a better understanding of God, and most of all, deep relationships with fellow students. Now as she enters her last year, she cries over the fact that none of this has happened. Is one good friend really too much to ask for? Now she is thousands of dollars in debt for a four-year journey through hell. It has not been a choice safari to say the least.
And she is losing her best friend. This has happened quite a few times in her lifetime. Her family moved a lot because, well, ministry tears apart families and friendships. Her heart has been strewn over so many conversations because one person has never stayed around long enough to really know her. And now he’s leaving. It’s almost funny how expected this is. He’s the only one who really knows her these days. There are no secrets between them. Sure, she hates him sometimes for his lack of attention abilities and his communication issues, but she loves him, even after all this time. But he will be gone soon, and she will be back to nothing, no one.
A psychology major herself, she snickers as new psychoses are revealed in the corners of her mind. Glancing around the room, nothing out of place to the regular eye, she notices a paper crooked on the desk. Obsessive-compulsive already. Her great-grandmother suffered under this disease, and now it seems it has entered her generation. Depression tested positive in counseling this last semester. And the night terrors, the screaming, the hallucinations, the apnea, oh those just add to the misery of hating being awake but dreading the nighttime.
This girl sits with the door closed because she is keeping people out, although all that she really wants is some good company. The silence threatens to burst her eardrum. The clock is a constant reminder of her inability to sleep and that he still didn’t call tonight.
It’s difficult to stay positive now, even though that used to be one of her gifts. But who can blame her? Her friend stabbed her heartlessly in the back this weekend and is now blaming her, the innocent one, for the fact that their friendship is dying. Just one person would make all the difference, but she’s alone, again, with no one who cares enough to listen. Even he wouldn’t take the time to listen.
Her thoughts drift again to the horrifying temptation within her. She would never do it, ever, and it scares her to even write it. Suicide is a cop out, but it sure looks more glorious now than it ever has before. She wishes she were dead, just not at her own hand.
She can’t fall asleep. Two weeks at home, and with the exception of backaches in the morning, her sleep was consistently normal. Now, the first night back to reality, she lays in bed awake. So many thoughts rush through her head, some repeatedly because she can’t solve them in this quiet noise. The music in the background does nothing to console her because she’s alone again anyway. It’s always like that here.
He let her down again. Even last night he said, "I want you to trust me," but he makes it impossible. Little promises that he doesn’t follow through with are the ones that break her heart the most. It isn’t that hard to remember to call her back! But to him, sleep, the other phone call, the television, it was all more important than keeping his word. That’s what caused them to end it six months ago but she is still holding out for change. But he won’t; she knows that people can’t change. 1am and she still waits for her phone to ring, but it won’t.
Back to reality, back to class. She will work 24 hours in the next two days. The hours continue to tick by as the night seeps through her curtains. Please God, just a few hours of peace. But He doesn’t listen either; He hasn’t for some time now. What is she holding on to? What is still pushing her to wake up in the mornings, sleep deprived and emotionally drawn?
So she lays in bed, asking herself that very thing. And the hours tick by, and the music plays in the background, and she waits, for sleep, for the phone to ring, for really anything at all other than this.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Dodgers Revelation
Tonight, I went to a baseball game with my dad, and Blue lost, but it was a great game anyway! I think there were 22 runs total during the game, meaning hardly any dull moments. But I decided a few things:
~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.
~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.
~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.
~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.
I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.
Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!
Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!
Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!
~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.
~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.
~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.
~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.
I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.
Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!
Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!
Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Baseball
This is my metaphor for life this week:
Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.
So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.
I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.
Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]
Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad
Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.
So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.
I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.
Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]
Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
2 am
It’s 2 am, my room is dark, and I’m alone. Tonight I hold onto the tears, refusing to let them fall. My eyes burn and my heart over takes my lungs, compressing them so I can’t catch my breath. No one understands, and I can rely on only my pillow to support me. The ones who say they love me are the ones who are making me crumble inside. So, I call no one. I reach out to Him, but He doesn’t answer. Sleep, an unknown entity these days, is what I need most, but even it denies me any solace. Here I will lay, a few more hours. My dreams will come as nightmares, my room a cave of emptiness. Maybe tomorrow will be better…
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I've learned. And now I'm happy.
The truth is, I am happy, or at least content. It seems I haven’t felt that for so long. Just happiness; it’s such a common idea, and yet so often difficult to attain. This year has been a rough one and I sure battled my demons, so to speak. Now, I have emerged from that tunnel and I am glad to say that, well, I’m stronger. I get it now. Life isn’t what I expected. College sure wasn’t either, but hey, one more year and that chapter will be over, too. Just like high school. I hated high school when I was in it, and now all I do is wish for those years. The people I knew then are the people I still feel the closest to today. A simple text from Cy, a laugh from Justin, a postcard from Emily; those things mean the most. Making Matt laugh with my voicemail, having Kevin to hang with, getting chased by Campus Safety with Nolan, those are the times that I cherish even now, three years after graduation. I wish I wouldn’t have taken it for granted. Most of those people don’t even read this, but thank you to them all anyway. I’m sorry that I wasn’t always the greatest friend. I’m different now, we all are, but maybe we can still regain lost time, or at least not take the current time for granted.
I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.
Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.
I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.
Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Time, or lack of time
Time. There is never enough of it when you need it, and always too much of it when what you’re doing is not fun. Lucky for me, my busy schedule is saturated with amusing activities. Well, almost all of it. My week previous and in advance is as follows:
Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.
Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.
Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!
Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.
Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.
Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.
Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.
Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.
Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!
I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.
Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.
Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.
Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!
Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.
Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.
Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.
Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.
Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.
Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!
I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Inspiration from the Uninspired
I have always had a love affair with inspirational quotes. It's funny, because I'm not one of those people who remembers them at just the right opportunity when I need inspiration during a trying situation. All the same, it's short poetry, and I appreciate the wit that makes you sit back and say, "Wow, that's so true." Here are some of my favorites:
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
-Arlo Guthrie
The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
-Zeno
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-Isaac Asimov
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-Joe Ancis
A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-Reverend Edward A. Malloy, Monk's Reflections
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubenstein
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa
Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
-Stella Terrill Mann
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-William Dement
Our Father refreshes our journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
-Unknown
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings
Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, they have been the most intolerant of all men.
–Voltaire
If you're not a liberal by twenty, you don't have a heart; if you're not a conservative by fourty, you don't have a brain.
-Winston Churchill
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-James Baldwin
I hope you pondered, nodded your head, or at least smiled at a few of these. They are windows into my personal battles and joys, and if you relate to any of them, I guess we can be satisfied in knowing that we are not alone.
<3
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
-Arlo Guthrie
The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
-Zeno
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-Isaac Asimov
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-Joe Ancis
A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-Reverend Edward A. Malloy, Monk's Reflections
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubenstein
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa
Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
-Stella Terrill Mann
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-William Dement
Our Father refreshes our journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
-Unknown
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings
Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, they have been the most intolerant of all men.
–Voltaire
If you're not a liberal by twenty, you don't have a heart; if you're not a conservative by fourty, you don't have a brain.
-Winston Churchill
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-James Baldwin
I hope you pondered, nodded your head, or at least smiled at a few of these. They are windows into my personal battles and joys, and if you relate to any of them, I guess we can be satisfied in knowing that we are not alone.
<3
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