Tonight, I went to a baseball game with my dad, and Blue lost, but it was a great game anyway! I think there were 22 runs total during the game, meaning hardly any dull moments. But I decided a few things:
~Baseball food is amazing. Dodger Dogs are the best hot dogs I have ever eaten, free cotton candy is way better than 4 dollar cotton candy, and Wetzel Pretzels at the game are even better than at the mall.
~The graphics and music guy must have fun making a couple thousand people do whatever he prompts. Example: "Make Noise," "Get Loud," or getting people to clap with the Bah, bah, bah, duh, duh, duh, Let's Go! Amazing. I am a puppet of my environment.
~That my dad must love me in order to spend all that money on food, and that we always have a great time together.
~I miss my brother, because no one was there to truly appreciate the humor of awkward, white clapping hands on the screen.
I can't believe in a few weeks, I will be preparing for the beginning of my last year of college, and the fact that the summer is coming to a close already and I have yet to visit the beach.
Tonight, I am in a good place. I'm satisfied and happy. I like these kinds of days. I'm on the road to figuring out why I haven't been able to sleep [deviated septum, or sleep apnea!] For now, my Breathe-Right strips are allowing me to squeeze in a few hours.
Congrats to my buddy Cy for his acceptance to USC! I'm so stoked for you, friend!
Ok, 1am. Sleep? Maybe!
Goodnight, better luck tomorrow, Dodgers vs. Mets!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Baseball
This is my metaphor for life this week:
Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.
So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.
I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.
Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]
Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad
Sometimes life is a baseball game. The pitcher's name is Chance. When you step up to bat you don't know what pitch is going to come your way. You get your stance ready anyway. You're prepared, you've practiced, and even have a coach and a team to cheer you on. The pitcher winds up, and WHAM!. You get a curveball right to the face! It hurts but you aren't going to be outdone. So you step up to the plate again, cautious, but ready. Pitcher winds up, SMACK!. Another curveball to the face! Well, it keeps happening over and over again. You just can't catch a break! You don't even expect a fastball anymore, but you hope for a ball just so you don't get slammed. After a while, why even go up to the plate anymore; you like being safe in the dugout. And your teammates, though they try, can do little for the shinner that graces your eye. It still hurts.
So this is my life this week. My head and heart are bruised from the curveballs that have been thrown at me. One thing is bad enough, but the amount of surprises have left me weary.
I apologize for my "Debbie-downer" mood lately. Cy and I discussed the fact that we only write a blog when we need to vent, not when we are happy! So, I'll plan on writing something good soon.
Currently reading: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
Current angel: Brenna
Currently listening to: Timbaland's most recent CD, Shock Value [Favorite Song: One and Only ft. Fall Out Boy]
Currently looking forward to: A baseball game next week with my dad
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
2 am
It’s 2 am, my room is dark, and I’m alone. Tonight I hold onto the tears, refusing to let them fall. My eyes burn and my heart over takes my lungs, compressing them so I can’t catch my breath. No one understands, and I can rely on only my pillow to support me. The ones who say they love me are the ones who are making me crumble inside. So, I call no one. I reach out to Him, but He doesn’t answer. Sleep, an unknown entity these days, is what I need most, but even it denies me any solace. Here I will lay, a few more hours. My dreams will come as nightmares, my room a cave of emptiness. Maybe tomorrow will be better…
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I've learned. And now I'm happy.
The truth is, I am happy, or at least content. It seems I haven’t felt that for so long. Just happiness; it’s such a common idea, and yet so often difficult to attain. This year has been a rough one and I sure battled my demons, so to speak. Now, I have emerged from that tunnel and I am glad to say that, well, I’m stronger. I get it now. Life isn’t what I expected. College sure wasn’t either, but hey, one more year and that chapter will be over, too. Just like high school. I hated high school when I was in it, and now all I do is wish for those years. The people I knew then are the people I still feel the closest to today. A simple text from Cy, a laugh from Justin, a postcard from Emily; those things mean the most. Making Matt laugh with my voicemail, having Kevin to hang with, getting chased by Campus Safety with Nolan, those are the times that I cherish even now, three years after graduation. I wish I wouldn’t have taken it for granted. Most of those people don’t even read this, but thank you to them all anyway. I’m sorry that I wasn’t always the greatest friend. I’m different now, we all are, but maybe we can still regain lost time, or at least not take the current time for granted.
I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.
Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.
I’ve learned:
That life doesn’t give you a perfectly planned route, but you build bridges over those unexpected holes and just keep stepping.
That I matter, and that my ideas don’t have to be parallel to everyone else’s.
That it’s up to me to work hard. I can’t complain if I didn’t give it my best.
That deep relationships are the reason I wake up in the morning.
That my family is the best I ever could have asked for.
That sometimes people leave, and it’s no one’s fault.
That the hardest decision and the right decision are the same.
That none of these things can be learned fully until you learn the lesson yourself.
Above all, hold on to those who matter the most to you. Hold on tight enough to show them love, and light enough to let them be just who they are. That is what matters.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Time, or lack of time
Time. There is never enough of it when you need it, and always too much of it when what you’re doing is not fun. Lucky for me, my busy schedule is saturated with amusing activities. Well, almost all of it. My week previous and in advance is as follows:
Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.
Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.
Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!
Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.
Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.
Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.
Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.
Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.
Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!
I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.
Thursday and Friday of last week, I worked from 4-10pm. My job is not difficult by any means. I mostly sit around checking MySpace and talking to friends who come in to visit me. Sure, there is the occasional phone call or ping pong rental, but I know I cannot complain about my tasks. It’s a really nice job for the making of a relaxing summer.
Friday night I drove home to my parent’s house.
Saturday I cleaned the house for my mom. When company comes to our home, watch out. There will be a transformation that takes place that would not have been done in the absence of visitors. So, the parents hired me as a personal “job finisher.” I need the extra money [Lord knows] so I didn’t mind painting the corners of the ceiling and hunting for cobwebs. [← I hate that word, and don’t know why.] Saturday night I went over to my friend, Nolan’s house and visited with some high school people. We basically stayed up playing the Wii until 3am as I choked back animal allergies. His family owns a small zoo, I swear. It is terrible.
Sunday, I repeated my Cinderella escapades, hosing off the Ficus trees [also an ugly word] and washing the in-house trashcans. I felt pretty successful in my accomplishments, and I was happy to help my mom. And we are all happy when mom is happy. So everybody wins!
Monday, I drove back to my apartment. I worked again 4-10pm. Then I proceeded to pull a déjà vu on my own living space. It is sparking clean at this point.
Today, Tuesday, I had counseling. I am currently at work, 4-10pm. I am packed and ready for tonight because I am driving back home to be ready to help mom again in any way she needs aid. That’s the plan for tomorrow, more chores. Mostly food prep.
Thursday, family from Ohio will be driving from Vegas to spend the week with us. I love my aunt, uncle, and cousin so I am really enthused to see them! It’s been about a year, and who knows when I will be taking a trip to Ohio again. That night, my baby brother, well he’s almost 19 now… but anyway, he will be graduating from high school! It’s shocking! Sometimes, I feel as if I am still in high school myself! Regardless, he will be walking that stage, not soon enough in his opinion I’m sure.
Friday means family graduation parties. Saturday means the departure of my brother to Montana. He will be working there for the summer at a white water rafting resort. I won’t see him for a few months! Let’s move on though, or else my computer will cease working due to tears on the keyboard… Saturday afternoon, my extended family will be coming to see my school and my apartment. Then Saturday night, I will [most likely] be attending a bachelorette party in Newport.
Sunday is Father’s Day that includes swimming in our newly refinished pool and a barbeque. Monday we are going to the Getty Museum, and I looove it! Can’t wait! Tuesday-Thursday morning we will be in Yosemite. Then, back to work from 4-10pm Thursday and Friday night.
Whew! I can’t believe I am going to survive all of that! [Kind of like how you are wondering how you survived reading it all!] However, it is completely enjoyable and I am looking forward to my schedule!
I apologize for my lack of posting to those of you who actually check it. As you can see, my life is a jungle gym of sorts. I have been writing a lot of poetry, but I fear it’s all too dark and dismal. I don’t understand why I write like that! It’s my outlet, I assume. Maybe I will get brave and post one, but until then, Godspeed friends. May your life be filled with good times and people whom make you happy to be alive. Godspeed.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Inspiration from the Uninspired
I have always had a love affair with inspirational quotes. It's funny, because I'm not one of those people who remembers them at just the right opportunity when I need inspiration during a trying situation. All the same, it's short poetry, and I appreciate the wit that makes you sit back and say, "Wow, that's so true." Here are some of my favorites:
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
-Arlo Guthrie
The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
-Zeno
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-Isaac Asimov
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-Joe Ancis
A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-Reverend Edward A. Malloy, Monk's Reflections
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubenstein
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa
Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
-Stella Terrill Mann
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-William Dement
Our Father refreshes our journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
-Unknown
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings
Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, they have been the most intolerant of all men.
–Voltaire
If you're not a liberal by twenty, you don't have a heart; if you're not a conservative by fourty, you don't have a brain.
-Winston Churchill
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-James Baldwin
I hope you pondered, nodded your head, or at least smiled at a few of these. They are windows into my personal battles and joys, and if you relate to any of them, I guess we can be satisfied in knowing that we are not alone.
<3
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
-Arlo Guthrie
The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
-Zeno
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-Isaac Asimov
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-Joe Ancis
A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-Reverend Edward A. Malloy, Monk's Reflections
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubenstein
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa
Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
-Stella Terrill Mann
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-William Dement
Our Father refreshes our journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
-Unknown
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings
Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, they have been the most intolerant of all men.
–Voltaire
If you're not a liberal by twenty, you don't have a heart; if you're not a conservative by fourty, you don't have a brain.
-Winston Churchill
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-James Baldwin
I hope you pondered, nodded your head, or at least smiled at a few of these. They are windows into my personal battles and joys, and if you relate to any of them, I guess we can be satisfied in knowing that we are not alone.
<3
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Re-Evaluation
I’ve been re-evaluating my life.
There comes a time in every young woman’s life where a re-evaluation is key to her sanity. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get my thoughts written down and sort through them. Then I send them into the unknown, and you [possibly] read them. If you have life-changing advice for me, feel free to share. Yet if you don’t, thank you for reading and supporting me. That’s all I really desire anyway.
I recently turned 21, and with it has come an enormous amount of responsibility. The age hasn’t mattered, really. Alcohol isn’t any integral aspect of my life, nor gambling. It has just been an incredible time of testing and growth in my development, and maybe 21 was waiting for me. My heart hurts something terrible and I hope this storm clears soon.
Among many things, one of the most dramatic parts of my teenage career was always: boys. Sadly, even now that I feel I am an adult, the boys continue to plague my daily schedule with unwanted hubbub. In order to give you a full picture, I am going to tell you details, something I do very rarely.
This week I experienced some things that made me think through what I want out of a man, or more specifically, not want. I was offered a one-night-stand with one boy, and also put in a compromising situation with another. I watched as multiple friends played the game of NCMO [Non-Committal Make Out] with random guys. Also, I endured the lack of follow-through of a guy that has potential of actually being “not-your-typical-male.” That’s only a handful of the disheartening things I battle every day. Here’s why:
1) I’m not that girl. I don’t have random make-out sessions with boys I don’t know well, and I don’t hook up with people just because I’m lonely. And lonely I am! But not enough to give away yet another piece of my broken heart to someone who never deserved it in the first place.
2) I know the consequences that follow. Emotionally, I’m already a wreck and I do not need the guilt of throwing myself at “just whoever will have me.” Not to mention the physical consequences that so many of my peers have struggled through. I can control my actions, therefore controlling the outcomes.
3) I want people to respect me. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I worry what others think about me. It’s the most intense form of accountability I know.
So, there is my list of acceptable and convincing reasons why I should stay strong in my convictions. So why is it so hard? Why do I watch my friends hook up and become jealous of their temporary intimacy? Why don’t I deserve the life that my best friend found early on: marriage, child on the way, true happiness? Is there a sign posted on me that reads “Easy”? My track record will tell you that I am a moral woman, and yet I only get the attention from shady boys. I just don’t understand. “Keep fighting, Mallory! You’ll be happy eventually!” That’s what everyone tells me. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m drowning in the idea that my life will continue like this for longer than I can manage…
Sure, while I’m at it, I’ll add a few more items to my rant. I’m tired of not having true friends. I’m tired of people not listening to me when I am crying out for help! I am sick of flaky people who never follow through. I’m sick of forgetting what it’s like to feel real happiness. That’s the thing I miss the most. I’m sick of this disease. I would do anything to feel worthwhile and beautiful to just one person. Just one.
I apologize. This was not the most uplifting blog you will read from my page. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. Pray for me. I’m afraid God isn’t receiving my prayers, so send one up for me if you are having any better luck. Don’t worry about me. I’m not stupid or impulsive. I just need a friend, someone to vent to, and for now this blog is all I’ve got.
There comes a time in every young woman’s life where a re-evaluation is key to her sanity. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get my thoughts written down and sort through them. Then I send them into the unknown, and you [possibly] read them. If you have life-changing advice for me, feel free to share. Yet if you don’t, thank you for reading and supporting me. That’s all I really desire anyway.
I recently turned 21, and with it has come an enormous amount of responsibility. The age hasn’t mattered, really. Alcohol isn’t any integral aspect of my life, nor gambling. It has just been an incredible time of testing and growth in my development, and maybe 21 was waiting for me. My heart hurts something terrible and I hope this storm clears soon.
Among many things, one of the most dramatic parts of my teenage career was always: boys. Sadly, even now that I feel I am an adult, the boys continue to plague my daily schedule with unwanted hubbub. In order to give you a full picture, I am going to tell you details, something I do very rarely.
This week I experienced some things that made me think through what I want out of a man, or more specifically, not want. I was offered a one-night-stand with one boy, and also put in a compromising situation with another. I watched as multiple friends played the game of NCMO [Non-Committal Make Out] with random guys. Also, I endured the lack of follow-through of a guy that has potential of actually being “not-your-typical-male.” That’s only a handful of the disheartening things I battle every day. Here’s why:
1) I’m not that girl. I don’t have random make-out sessions with boys I don’t know well, and I don’t hook up with people just because I’m lonely. And lonely I am! But not enough to give away yet another piece of my broken heart to someone who never deserved it in the first place.
2) I know the consequences that follow. Emotionally, I’m already a wreck and I do not need the guilt of throwing myself at “just whoever will have me.” Not to mention the physical consequences that so many of my peers have struggled through. I can control my actions, therefore controlling the outcomes.
3) I want people to respect me. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I worry what others think about me. It’s the most intense form of accountability I know.
So, there is my list of acceptable and convincing reasons why I should stay strong in my convictions. So why is it so hard? Why do I watch my friends hook up and become jealous of their temporary intimacy? Why don’t I deserve the life that my best friend found early on: marriage, child on the way, true happiness? Is there a sign posted on me that reads “Easy”? My track record will tell you that I am a moral woman, and yet I only get the attention from shady boys. I just don’t understand. “Keep fighting, Mallory! You’ll be happy eventually!” That’s what everyone tells me. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m drowning in the idea that my life will continue like this for longer than I can manage…
Sure, while I’m at it, I’ll add a few more items to my rant. I’m tired of not having true friends. I’m tired of people not listening to me when I am crying out for help! I am sick of flaky people who never follow through. I’m sick of forgetting what it’s like to feel real happiness. That’s the thing I miss the most. I’m sick of this disease. I would do anything to feel worthwhile and beautiful to just one person. Just one.
I apologize. This was not the most uplifting blog you will read from my page. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. Pray for me. I’m afraid God isn’t receiving my prayers, so send one up for me if you are having any better luck. Don’t worry about me. I’m not stupid or impulsive. I just need a friend, someone to vent to, and for now this blog is all I’ve got.
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