I have always had a love affair with inspirational quotes. It's funny, because I'm not one of those people who remembers them at just the right opportunity when I need inspiration during a trying situation. All the same, it's short poetry, and I appreciate the wit that makes you sit back and say, "Wow, that's so true." Here are some of my favorites:
You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in.
-Arlo Guthrie
The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
-Zeno
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-Isaac Asimov
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-Joe Ancis
A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
-Reverend Edward A. Malloy, Monk's Reflections
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie
There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.
-Helena Rubenstein
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa
Whatever God's dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.
-Stella Terrill Mann
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
-William Dement
Our Father refreshes our journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
-Unknown
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings
Of all religions, Christianity is without a doubt the one that should inspire tolerance most, although, up to now, they have been the most intolerant of all men.
–Voltaire
If you're not a liberal by twenty, you don't have a heart; if you're not a conservative by fourty, you don't have a brain.
-Winston Churchill
Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
-James Baldwin
I hope you pondered, nodded your head, or at least smiled at a few of these. They are windows into my personal battles and joys, and if you relate to any of them, I guess we can be satisfied in knowing that we are not alone.
<3
Monday, May 21, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Re-Evaluation
I’ve been re-evaluating my life.
There comes a time in every young woman’s life where a re-evaluation is key to her sanity. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get my thoughts written down and sort through them. Then I send them into the unknown, and you [possibly] read them. If you have life-changing advice for me, feel free to share. Yet if you don’t, thank you for reading and supporting me. That’s all I really desire anyway.
I recently turned 21, and with it has come an enormous amount of responsibility. The age hasn’t mattered, really. Alcohol isn’t any integral aspect of my life, nor gambling. It has just been an incredible time of testing and growth in my development, and maybe 21 was waiting for me. My heart hurts something terrible and I hope this storm clears soon.
Among many things, one of the most dramatic parts of my teenage career was always: boys. Sadly, even now that I feel I am an adult, the boys continue to plague my daily schedule with unwanted hubbub. In order to give you a full picture, I am going to tell you details, something I do very rarely.
This week I experienced some things that made me think through what I want out of a man, or more specifically, not want. I was offered a one-night-stand with one boy, and also put in a compromising situation with another. I watched as multiple friends played the game of NCMO [Non-Committal Make Out] with random guys. Also, I endured the lack of follow-through of a guy that has potential of actually being “not-your-typical-male.” That’s only a handful of the disheartening things I battle every day. Here’s why:
1) I’m not that girl. I don’t have random make-out sessions with boys I don’t know well, and I don’t hook up with people just because I’m lonely. And lonely I am! But not enough to give away yet another piece of my broken heart to someone who never deserved it in the first place.
2) I know the consequences that follow. Emotionally, I’m already a wreck and I do not need the guilt of throwing myself at “just whoever will have me.” Not to mention the physical consequences that so many of my peers have struggled through. I can control my actions, therefore controlling the outcomes.
3) I want people to respect me. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I worry what others think about me. It’s the most intense form of accountability I know.
So, there is my list of acceptable and convincing reasons why I should stay strong in my convictions. So why is it so hard? Why do I watch my friends hook up and become jealous of their temporary intimacy? Why don’t I deserve the life that my best friend found early on: marriage, child on the way, true happiness? Is there a sign posted on me that reads “Easy”? My track record will tell you that I am a moral woman, and yet I only get the attention from shady boys. I just don’t understand. “Keep fighting, Mallory! You’ll be happy eventually!” That’s what everyone tells me. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m drowning in the idea that my life will continue like this for longer than I can manage…
Sure, while I’m at it, I’ll add a few more items to my rant. I’m tired of not having true friends. I’m tired of people not listening to me when I am crying out for help! I am sick of flaky people who never follow through. I’m sick of forgetting what it’s like to feel real happiness. That’s the thing I miss the most. I’m sick of this disease. I would do anything to feel worthwhile and beautiful to just one person. Just one.
I apologize. This was not the most uplifting blog you will read from my page. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. Pray for me. I’m afraid God isn’t receiving my prayers, so send one up for me if you are having any better luck. Don’t worry about me. I’m not stupid or impulsive. I just need a friend, someone to vent to, and for now this blog is all I’ve got.
There comes a time in every young woman’s life where a re-evaluation is key to her sanity. One of the reasons I started this blog was to get my thoughts written down and sort through them. Then I send them into the unknown, and you [possibly] read them. If you have life-changing advice for me, feel free to share. Yet if you don’t, thank you for reading and supporting me. That’s all I really desire anyway.
I recently turned 21, and with it has come an enormous amount of responsibility. The age hasn’t mattered, really. Alcohol isn’t any integral aspect of my life, nor gambling. It has just been an incredible time of testing and growth in my development, and maybe 21 was waiting for me. My heart hurts something terrible and I hope this storm clears soon.
Among many things, one of the most dramatic parts of my teenage career was always: boys. Sadly, even now that I feel I am an adult, the boys continue to plague my daily schedule with unwanted hubbub. In order to give you a full picture, I am going to tell you details, something I do very rarely.
This week I experienced some things that made me think through what I want out of a man, or more specifically, not want. I was offered a one-night-stand with one boy, and also put in a compromising situation with another. I watched as multiple friends played the game of NCMO [Non-Committal Make Out] with random guys. Also, I endured the lack of follow-through of a guy that has potential of actually being “not-your-typical-male.” That’s only a handful of the disheartening things I battle every day. Here’s why:
1) I’m not that girl. I don’t have random make-out sessions with boys I don’t know well, and I don’t hook up with people just because I’m lonely. And lonely I am! But not enough to give away yet another piece of my broken heart to someone who never deserved it in the first place.
2) I know the consequences that follow. Emotionally, I’m already a wreck and I do not need the guilt of throwing myself at “just whoever will have me.” Not to mention the physical consequences that so many of my peers have struggled through. I can control my actions, therefore controlling the outcomes.
3) I want people to respect me. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I worry what others think about me. It’s the most intense form of accountability I know.
So, there is my list of acceptable and convincing reasons why I should stay strong in my convictions. So why is it so hard? Why do I watch my friends hook up and become jealous of their temporary intimacy? Why don’t I deserve the life that my best friend found early on: marriage, child on the way, true happiness? Is there a sign posted on me that reads “Easy”? My track record will tell you that I am a moral woman, and yet I only get the attention from shady boys. I just don’t understand. “Keep fighting, Mallory! You’ll be happy eventually!” That’s what everyone tells me. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m drowning in the idea that my life will continue like this for longer than I can manage…
Sure, while I’m at it, I’ll add a few more items to my rant. I’m tired of not having true friends. I’m tired of people not listening to me when I am crying out for help! I am sick of flaky people who never follow through. I’m sick of forgetting what it’s like to feel real happiness. That’s the thing I miss the most. I’m sick of this disease. I would do anything to feel worthwhile and beautiful to just one person. Just one.
I apologize. This was not the most uplifting blog you will read from my page. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. Pray for me. I’m afraid God isn’t receiving my prayers, so send one up for me if you are having any better luck. Don’t worry about me. I’m not stupid or impulsive. I just need a friend, someone to vent to, and for now this blog is all I’ve got.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Apathy: The New Stress
Well, I am smack in the middle of finals week. Which is why I am not studying, but choosing to write a few words that will do little for helping me remember Sociological theory or Piaget's theory of child development. Not to mention the fact that I cannot copy & paste these words and include them in the 12 page paper looming over my head. All the same, here I am :-)
I have two more finals tomorrow and that paper due via email by midnight on Saturday. I am so close to enjoying a 4 month summer, and yet so far from feeling like my studying is over! As I discussed with my dad last night, I am not stressed. Stress would involve a pinch of caring about school work, and the horrible truth is: I don't! Apathy is the new stress, at least in my world...
The things that keep me going this week:
1) MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS COMING TO CALIFORNIA AT THE END OF THE WEEK!!!!
2) Staff party tomorrow night
3) Dinner with my wonderful parents Thursday night, and possibly a night of mischief with Brenna later on...
4) Attending APU's graduation, and a graduation party, both of which I bought a slammin' new dress for
5) Brenna's 21st birthday. Uh oh is right :-)
6) A secret someone, that keeps getting into my head
I love reading lyrics to songs as the music plays in the background. I always wonder what prompted the writer to choose that word or that phrase. Here is part of a song from Anna Nalick called "In the Rough." I love these lyrics:
“You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands. ‘It's your fault for running, holding diamonds,’ I said. And I offer no sympathy for that, I hear that it was you who died alone. And I offer no sympathy for that. Better off I sparkle on my own.”
She goes on to say that love will find her... I relate to these words so deeply, as even I find myself between love. Maybe something new is brewing, and then again, maybe I just need to wait. Whatever the case is, I know I'll find what I am looking for.
Take care of yourselves, friends.
I have two more finals tomorrow and that paper due via email by midnight on Saturday. I am so close to enjoying a 4 month summer, and yet so far from feeling like my studying is over! As I discussed with my dad last night, I am not stressed. Stress would involve a pinch of caring about school work, and the horrible truth is: I don't! Apathy is the new stress, at least in my world...
The things that keep me going this week:
1) MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS COMING TO CALIFORNIA AT THE END OF THE WEEK!!!!
2) Staff party tomorrow night
3) Dinner with my wonderful parents Thursday night, and possibly a night of mischief with Brenna later on...
4) Attending APU's graduation, and a graduation party, both of which I bought a slammin' new dress for
5) Brenna's 21st birthday. Uh oh is right :-)
6) A secret someone, that keeps getting into my head
I love reading lyrics to songs as the music plays in the background. I always wonder what prompted the writer to choose that word or that phrase. Here is part of a song from Anna Nalick called "In the Rough." I love these lyrics:
“You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands. ‘It's your fault for running, holding diamonds,’ I said. And I offer no sympathy for that, I hear that it was you who died alone. And I offer no sympathy for that. Better off I sparkle on my own.”
She goes on to say that love will find her... I relate to these words so deeply, as even I find myself between love. Maybe something new is brewing, and then again, maybe I just need to wait. Whatever the case is, I know I'll find what I am looking for.
Take care of yourselves, friends.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Ode to Life
Life is:
a rollercoaster
a whirlwind
a dance
a friend
a tornado
a song
an enemy
a journey
It's difficult for me to share with you, my anonymous reader, all of the ins and outs of my personal experiences. It's not that I don't wish to; I do! And yet it seems inappropriate to tell you the details of my date Saturday night, my old interest, my emotional battle, and my disappointments in how lousy school really is. Already, I fear I have said too much.
The truth is, there is a perpetual amount of info that my friends deserve to know, but I am yet sorting it out in my head. Once I figure it out, I will share it. That is my solemn vow to you. For now, enjoy this, the ramblings of my heart in print:
Find me standing
Here with you
Within this dream
Of gray and blue
I do not know
Just who you are
But I want to reach
So far, how far
Take me in
Hold me close
Make me safe
I fear the most
Can I be made
So brand new
That you accept
Me for what’s true
God just give me
One pure sign
To help me see
What should be mine
In the next three days, I have 3 presentations, a signing assessment, a portfolio, and two tests to complete.
But I am looking forward to this weekend when I will see my family, and especially my brother who will be performing in a school production [as a tap dancer!] Not to mention Saturday night with a birthday girl, a night that is sure to bring on trouble beyond your imagination.
Oh yah, I was blessed to see Brian Regan live in Long Beach last Friday! Geez, he is amazing! I cried, I laughed, I almost peed my pants [TMI].
My favorite line: "Can you believe that some guy is sitting around laughing his head off because he got rich selling "Blank-inside" cards! He's selling a crease! It doesn't even say anything on the inside! Just a picture of a tree on the outside, and nothing inside! Unbelievable!"
I love stand up comedy. Which reminds me, friend [you know who you are] I think I still have your DVD. Sorry. I'd give it back, but then just end up borrowing it and keeping it forever again. :-)
As much as I love procrastinating by pretending this blog is worthy of my time, I must accomplish some things today.
Until next time, LOVE. PEACE. AND SOUL.
a rollercoaster
a whirlwind
a dance
a friend
a tornado
a song
an enemy
a journey
It's difficult for me to share with you, my anonymous reader, all of the ins and outs of my personal experiences. It's not that I don't wish to; I do! And yet it seems inappropriate to tell you the details of my date Saturday night, my old interest, my emotional battle, and my disappointments in how lousy school really is. Already, I fear I have said too much.
The truth is, there is a perpetual amount of info that my friends deserve to know, but I am yet sorting it out in my head. Once I figure it out, I will share it. That is my solemn vow to you. For now, enjoy this, the ramblings of my heart in print:
Find me standing
Here with you
Within this dream
Of gray and blue
I do not know
Just who you are
But I want to reach
So far, how far
Take me in
Hold me close
Make me safe
I fear the most
Can I be made
So brand new
That you accept
Me for what’s true
God just give me
One pure sign
To help me see
What should be mine
In the next three days, I have 3 presentations, a signing assessment, a portfolio, and two tests to complete.
But I am looking forward to this weekend when I will see my family, and especially my brother who will be performing in a school production [as a tap dancer!] Not to mention Saturday night with a birthday girl, a night that is sure to bring on trouble beyond your imagination.
Oh yah, I was blessed to see Brian Regan live in Long Beach last Friday! Geez, he is amazing! I cried, I laughed, I almost peed my pants [TMI].
My favorite line: "Can you believe that some guy is sitting around laughing his head off because he got rich selling "Blank-inside" cards! He's selling a crease! It doesn't even say anything on the inside! Just a picture of a tree on the outside, and nothing inside! Unbelievable!"
I love stand up comedy. Which reminds me, friend [you know who you are] I think I still have your DVD. Sorry. I'd give it back, but then just end up borrowing it and keeping it forever again. :-)
As much as I love procrastinating by pretending this blog is worthy of my time, I must accomplish some things today.
Until next time, LOVE. PEACE. AND SOUL.
Monday, April 16, 2007
A Poem for a Journey
Because sometimes a normal blog just won't cut it:
Maybe these moments
of struggle and sting
are building me up inside.
I’m fighting for something
different now,
a world where I need not hide.
The truth is, I’ve changed
and I cannot pretend
that I am who I once was.
I will no longer model my life
and behavior the way
everyone else does.
But maybe this new girl emerging
won’t really be all that bad.
True, for now I’m still broken,
scared, beaten down,
and earnestly mad.
Take me for what I am,
because I have nothing else to give.
It’s my turn
to figure out what it feels like
to completely and honestly live.
Oh, the future seems so far
and I cannot fathom
what it holds.
Yet I’m impatiently waiting
to see the uncertains,
the dreams,
and the untolds.
By Mallory Roseborough, April 15, 2007
Maybe these moments
of struggle and sting
are building me up inside.
I’m fighting for something
different now,
a world where I need not hide.
The truth is, I’ve changed
and I cannot pretend
that I am who I once was.
I will no longer model my life
and behavior the way
everyone else does.
But maybe this new girl emerging
won’t really be all that bad.
True, for now I’m still broken,
scared, beaten down,
and earnestly mad.
Take me for what I am,
because I have nothing else to give.
It’s my turn
to figure out what it feels like
to completely and honestly live.
Oh, the future seems so far
and I cannot fathom
what it holds.
Yet I’m impatiently waiting
to see the uncertains,
the dreams,
and the untolds.
By Mallory Roseborough, April 15, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
Back to Reality
The real world beckons me, come. I fear this approaching week, for I did not utilize my spring break in a way that would ease my undeniable stress. You see, although I finished the activities for certain school related assignments, I have not written the lengthy papers that accompany them. And they are due incredibly soon.
I am back in my apartment. Tomorrow is an early morning. School begins again. Can you tell that I am mentally unprepared for this daunting forecast? Soon, it will be over, though! The summer is only 24 days away! I can make it; I am [almost] positive!
The other thing on my mind is my unstoppable "emo" phase. True, at first glance you might deem me "preppy," but deep down inside there is a girl with raging feelings who likes listening to bands who share those raging feelings. My emotions are taking over, and it will take some divine intervention to stop them. For now, I will listen to those lyrics that make me say, "Yes, yes! That is so true, and my life parallels that phrase!" And I will also share some of those lyrics with you:
John Mayer: [A portion of] Split Screen Sadness
…All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness
Thank you to those who have put up with me lately; you are true friends. I promise that I will eventually snap out of this phase! To Mom and Dad, thank you for a great week! I loved being with you!
And so it begins: Get ready world! I am going to kick butt this week, even if it kills me [which it might...]
Good night, dream well, friends. And dream big. Never forget to dream big.
I am back in my apartment. Tomorrow is an early morning. School begins again. Can you tell that I am mentally unprepared for this daunting forecast? Soon, it will be over, though! The summer is only 24 days away! I can make it; I am [almost] positive!
The other thing on my mind is my unstoppable "emo" phase. True, at first glance you might deem me "preppy," but deep down inside there is a girl with raging feelings who likes listening to bands who share those raging feelings. My emotions are taking over, and it will take some divine intervention to stop them. For now, I will listen to those lyrics that make me say, "Yes, yes! That is so true, and my life parallels that phrase!" And I will also share some of those lyrics with you:
John Mayer: [A portion of] Split Screen Sadness
…All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness
Thank you to those who have put up with me lately; you are true friends. I promise that I will eventually snap out of this phase! To Mom and Dad, thank you for a great week! I loved being with you!
And so it begins: Get ready world! I am going to kick butt this week, even if it kills me [which it might...]
Good night, dream well, friends. And dream big. Never forget to dream big.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Spring Break!
It has been a crazy spring break, of that you can be certain! But as my dear friend Justin writes, it's not your typical "spring break" experience for someone like me, a 21-year old college girl. Instead of partying the nights away, I chose to watch "Cars" with my parents, and instead of venturing to Cabo, I am going to spend a day on the beach [today] with Mom and Dad.
Earlier this week, I went back to work at the pre-school where many hours were spent last summer, cleaning up play-doh and sliding down large plastic structures with my 3-year old friends. The difference was that this time I refused pay in order to catch up on some service hours for school. I'm almost done with my quota of 30 volunteer hours for the semester. Sweet!
Last night, I stepped out of my safety boundaries and went to Vince's Pasta and Pizza for a community deaf event. I'm learning sign language, currently about to finish my second semester of ASL. I really love the language, but what you find is that in a real life setting the words "belt," "welder," and "pink" do not help in starting a conversation with a complete stranger! Yet, I had a good experience and enjoyed the [slightly awkward] conversation that ensued.
I also finished an interview with a family friend for my "Psychology of Child and Adolescent Development" class. She is 3-years old, and she is brilliant. Some of the experiments I did with her, she successfully completed when she is not expected to know it for another 2-3 years! It was truly inspiring.
So, my bags are packed and I am waiting to drive to the beach. It will be nice to finally get some R&R during this spring break! Sure, it's not your typical "party" atmosphere you may expect, but I am satisfied in what I have accomplished the past week. I am thankful for my parents and I am looking forward to spending time with them! Since I will not be returning home this summer, it's nice to get quality time in while we can! I miss my brother [who is vacationing in Ohio for the week!] Hopefully I will get to see him soon!
Beach here I come. Until next time, farewell friends!
Earlier this week, I went back to work at the pre-school where many hours were spent last summer, cleaning up play-doh and sliding down large plastic structures with my 3-year old friends. The difference was that this time I refused pay in order to catch up on some service hours for school. I'm almost done with my quota of 30 volunteer hours for the semester. Sweet!
Last night, I stepped out of my safety boundaries and went to Vince's Pasta and Pizza for a community deaf event. I'm learning sign language, currently about to finish my second semester of ASL. I really love the language, but what you find is that in a real life setting the words "belt," "welder," and "pink" do not help in starting a conversation with a complete stranger! Yet, I had a good experience and enjoyed the [slightly awkward] conversation that ensued.
I also finished an interview with a family friend for my "Psychology of Child and Adolescent Development" class. She is 3-years old, and she is brilliant. Some of the experiments I did with her, she successfully completed when she is not expected to know it for another 2-3 years! It was truly inspiring.
So, my bags are packed and I am waiting to drive to the beach. It will be nice to finally get some R&R during this spring break! Sure, it's not your typical "party" atmosphere you may expect, but I am satisfied in what I have accomplished the past week. I am thankful for my parents and I am looking forward to spending time with them! Since I will not be returning home this summer, it's nice to get quality time in while we can! I miss my brother [who is vacationing in Ohio for the week!] Hopefully I will get to see him soon!
Beach here I come. Until next time, farewell friends!
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