The Beginning

The semester has started with a rush of energy, and I am trying my best to keep up! There are only 99 days 'til my graduation, and I am beyond enthused. After a long struggle to fill my remaining 16 units, I settled on these classes:
~ Beginning Piano for Non Music Majors
~ Intervent Strategies for Children
~ Youth Ministry: Camping
~ Intro to Business
~ Intro to Leadership
~ Senior Seminar

As you can see, most of my required classes are all finished, so now I am taking lots of Freshman level classes just to get the piece of paper that will change my life. These classes have turned out to have a lot of busy work [I had forgotten after 3 years], but the subject matter is certainly easy. So no worries. AND I have no classes on Fridays. Ahhh, so nice.

I have been in contact with someone about being hired to do floor-time therapy with autistic children. We will most likely be setting up an interview soon! I really hope to get this job!

What will happen May 4th, the day after graduation? I don't really know. I have a couple options and even was offered a summer position in Azusa, but my heart tells me to leave this place and start over. I'm really confused about what to do.

Quick Facts:
I saw Cloverfield, and it was good.
I read This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti and it was not so good.
It rained and hailed all week, so I have been happy. :-D
I picked my topic for my 25 page senior seminar paper. I am going to talk about birth order and family constellations. I read some interesting things last year while studying Alfred Adler so I am excited to do this paper.
My computer is having a battery charging problem despite the fact that I bought a new $140 battery.
I got a new digital camera for Christmas. It's been one month and I have yet to do a fun photo shoot.
I am going to see Tyrone Wells in concert tonight.

I made a commitment to myself that this semester I would begin to start over. I didn't want to wait 'til May to start feeling better. God agreed, and within the first 2 days of school, He started trying to get my attention. I decided to drive without music for a while, and I really felt connected with Him. There are some new ideas and some new feelings inside of me, and I am glad to say that it's been a great beginning. I am making a mental list of things I want to do after graduation, so one day I will share that with you! It's a work in progress, like myself, but I'm gettin' somewhere.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!

2008

Here’s to 2008. I suppose I am looking forward to the coming year, not because of some well-planned resolutions [that I would most likely abandon anyway]. I look forward to it because, well, there is no way it can get any worse than the year we just evaded. Some years are milestones, full of learned lessons and the strengthening of character. Although in some distant moment I may look back at 2007 as that kind of memory, I wish only to erase it completely now.

A year in review, for any who doubt me: I turned 21 and with it came new experiences filled with drama and adventure. Alcohol is marketed on hype alone. I wish it were abandoned for it has only destroyed so many fine evenings. February marks the ending of a long relationship with someone I cared deeply about. That was so hard. I’ll never forget that night. I was in counseling, and soon discovered I had a depression strong enough to demand outside help [on many levels]. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It hurt. I couldn’t escape. Sometimes, I still find myself grasped in it again. The summer was slightly awful. Despite a few trips I took to ease my mind, reality awaited me when I returned. I was betrayed by a good friend. My eyes were opened to many things I wish I had never seen, friends’ true intentions and secrets. Then came Fall and a semester from Hell. Four upper division Psychology classes and a Theology class. I am still recovering even after 2 weeks of rest. Those are the major points. If only I had space to write you what really happened. So many secrets… So much heartbreak this year. But I won’t bore you with the details…

I’d like to lose weight this year, along with every other American. I’d like to graduate and never look back. I’d like to make millions and become a successful… [well, I’d figure that out eventually I ‘spose.] I’d like to find people whom I can trust again. Maybe even find God and a church that won’t inevitably prove my theories about Christianity. To tell the truth, no resolution means as much to me as this one: I’d like to find a true happiness. Yes, that would settle it for me. I hope the same for you, dear reader. May 2008 bring you the happiness you long for. And if not, at least we have our blogs and each other to cope with what lies ahead.

Christmas Favorites

'Tis the season, so I thought I'd share some favorites...

My favorite Christmas Movies:
The Muppet Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story
The Grinch (with Jim Carey)
The Santa Clause (with Tim Allen)
Elf


My favorite Christmas Music:
Mariah Carey (Favorite song: All I Want for Christmas is You)
Amy Grant (Favorite songs: Grown-up Christmas List, Breath of Heaven)
Chris Rice: (Favorite song: Welcome to Our World)
Josh Groban (Favorite song: Little Drummer Boy)
Dashboard Confessional (Favorite song: The Only Gift that I Need)
Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting (Favorite song: Baby, It’s Cold Outside)


My favorite Christmas Traditions:
~ My family goes to the Christmas Eve service at church. I wait all year to sing “O, Holy Night,” but especially to see the candlelight slowly spread throughout the room as the grand finale.
~ On Christmas Eve, my mom always makes really good chowder with tomatoes in it.
~ My brother and I buy one gift for each family member, and those gifts are opened on Christmas Eve.
~ Since we never had family close enough to visit on Christmas Day, we would stay in our pajamas all day. Even now, we see how long we can stay in our pajamas.
~ We take as long as we can to open presents; no rushing.
~ Ham and mashed potatoes: Christmas day necessities.
~ Walking down a street where every house is covered in lights. My favorites are the houses with white lights, straight, and neat.


Oh how I love this time of year!

Christmas 2007

This Christmas is so different from the rest I have seen. First of all, it hasn't really been cold enough to believe it's December. I wish I lived where it snowed. I also wish I was closer to my family in Ohio. I appreciate them now as I am getting older and wish we could celebrate the season together. Someday, when I'm rich, I'll buy tickets to Ohio whenever I want.
Last night I decorated my apartment for the holiday. It was fun and I am sure I woke some neighbors with my hammering (the stockings and lights had to be hung!) It's really festive, even though I'll only enjoy it for the 2 remaining weeks that I'll be in Azusa. My tree is no taller than 4 feet, but it makes my non-home a little more bearable.
I realized something really shocking. This is my first Christmas as a single girl since 8th grade! I always have had a boyfriend around this time of year, but [almost] never during the summer. I won't have to think of a creative/ meaningful gift this year, which is great! But it's slightly lonely. We went to see the lights on Thoroughbred Street in Rancho Cucamonga last night, and I walked with my two friends and their boyfriends. I don't know which was worse: being a fifth wheel or remembering that last year, someone walked that street with me.
And yet, I am content. Christmas reminds me of my memories, my family, and my favorite traditions. So I will finish this semester with Christmas' soon approach in mind.

Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:

Quick thoughts to dazzle your brain:

~ Today I was working, writing passes for guests to park on campus. We keep a log of their names and licence plates. So I ask this middle-aged man in a suit, "May I have your name?" And he replies: "Well, I'm sort of using it, but ok." Total straight face. Made my day!

~ I printed 84 pages this week and turned them in to professors. That's a lot.

~ Christmas is by far my favorite time of year and I love the chill in the air! Finally November wasn't all 80 degree weather!

~ I have one more week of class and one week of finals. I think I might make it to the end! I'll let you know if I do...

~ 25 days until Christmas. 155 days until graduation from college.

The best videos of kids.. .EVER. No seriously, you have to watch these!

Random Thoughts

I have quite a bit running through my head. Despite the fact that I need to be writing 4 research papers and studying for tests, much more is consuming my thoughts. So, here is a random list of thoughts in list form.

~ At APU football games [I sport I do not usually enjoy] the students in the spirit section always cheer this: "Suppress them! Suppress them! Make them relinquish the ball!" Isn't that witty? If you don't understand why that is so clever, then you are the reason we chant it. Our school is so smart, we can't waste our time with cheers that use "childish words."

~ I run in my sleep. I don't walk aimlessly around my apartment, I freakin' run for my life! Something will frighten me mid-dream and so I run from it. Literally. It ends with me standing in my kitchen, curiously wondering why I just acted in such a bizarre manor. Odd, huh?

~ "You know you're a senior when" a one page essay really isn't adequate space to express your thoughts in a paper and you tweak margins and font in order to write just a little bit more...

~ This weekend during my trip home I discussed moving back in with my parents in May after I graduate. The weird part is how wonderful of an idea it is becoming! They have agreed to give me the downstairs bedroom so I have more space and privacy. Awesome.

~ I hate being enrolled in school. I hope I make it the remaining 180 days.

~ My most recently watched film (and I have actually watched quite a few movies lately) is "Martian Child." Seriously, if you see this and don't feel the urge to shed a tear, you are heartless and devil-controlled.

~ Yesterday was 11/04/07, which may mean nothing to you, but being my three most-seen random numbers, I thought for sure something significant were going to happen. Nothing did.

~ Slang you should know: "Hyphe." It means NORCAL CRUNK, hyphe is to northern cali as what crunk is to the south. Hyphe is bringing crunk to a whole new level, just goin all out nastay (Urbandictionary.com). Basically it means going crazy or wild. Use it. It's hot right now.

~ And on a more serious note, my personal theology is confused as of now. Maybe all of those theology classes and chapels have worn me out, but I can barely pray without over-thinking every word I say. "Maybe I can't say that to God, or maybe I am supposed to do this differently." But, luckily God is teaching me something else, which we all know is never easy. It's about the topic of Grace. I am still in process of understanding it, so I'll write more on that later.

~ I have decided that I like consistency. Knowing what will happen and having a daily routine is much easier than constantly needing to adapt to new situations. I am looking forward to working full-time because it's a reliable, daily routine! And I like consistent friends, ones that stick by me despite life changes.

~ That's it. Now that I have emptied my head, I'm going to go start those papers. Maybe...

4-Year Testimony

I want these posts to be:
honest but inspiring,
real but impressive,
complete but hand picked.

Yet I can't always do that. I get upset just like the next guy, and for me, I seem to be that way more often than not. I don't know what I am missing...

So today, here it is, raw, uncut, uncensored. My 4-year testimony. Read at your own risk!

Never in my life have I endured such a terrible span of time as I have since I began college. That sentence doesn't put it into complete perspective. Here: After all of the times we moved when I was younger, when I lost friends and watched our family struggle through financial problems, when I thought that the drama in high school was the worst it could be, I had no idea that someday I would long for those moments compared to now. That's somewhat better.

I've had a run of bad luck, to say the least. I moved to APU in the Fall filled with hopes and expectations. By October, I was already sitting in the laundry room late at night crying because of my loneliness. But I came to APU with the hopes of community and decided to stick it out. I had never felt so isolated in my life. I lived on a dorm hall with an RA who was more interested in her boyfriend than her residents, most of the girls were partiers and straight up mean, I lived with my dear high school friend, but our differences drew us apart. I had a boyfriend who wasn't satisfied until I talked to him for 4 hours a night instead of putting it towards my homework and social life. We were usually fighting. I joined a D-Group in hopes of finding God, and instead I found a leader who detailed, not the Bible, but her sex expeditions from the week. I was sleep-deprived and I lost 20 pounds, by accident. So a year went by, and I only could claim one wonderful friend out of 4,000. Kelly and I were inseperable, or so I thought. She hated APU as much as I did and told me that she wasn't returning in the Fall. So within a month I lost my best friend, my roommate, and my boyfriend. Time to start over. Again.
Sophomore year wasn't much better. The best part was having a roommate elope in Vegas and get pregnant soon after. At least I got my own room out of it! And the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend was a welcome adventure, despite the fact that no one approved of me the whole time I was dating him, which was about 18 months. But I was still lonely, still wanting to connect. Out of all of these people, shouldn't I find someone who understood me? Apparently that was too much to ask. My boyfriend and I broke up; we fought a lot, too. I got new roommates, again. My ultimate best friend moved to the other side of the country, got married, and got pregnant. I just kept losing people! I prayed daily, "God, please send me one person!" Maybe He will get back to me eventually...
Last year I started counseling. I was diagnosed with depression. I found a friend who was crazy, but I clung to her in the hopes that she was the answer to my prayers. She wasn't. She stabbed me in the back, and continues to do so. I go out on the weekends and every guy I meet wants to be my best friend until he finds out I won't end up in a lip-lock with him by the end of the night. The girls are regressing back to middle school drama and attitudes. And I am left shocked and bewildered by what I have witnessed. No one cares here, no one listens. I hated my high school as an "institution" but loved the people, and now I hate my college because of the people but love the "institution." I wish I could go back to high school. But I can't.

What should I do?

Praise God I am almost out of here. In May, I will be graduating. The future is unknown, but I am certain that I will not stay here. Please, God, let this be a phase and let it be almost over. I can't endure it much longer!

As always, thanks for reading...